


Lie with Me

by ShutUpAndGetStoned



Category: Political RPF, Political RPF - Canadian 21st c., justin trudeau - Fandom
Genre: Canada Politics, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, F/M, Fanfiction, Forbidden Love, Heavy Angst, Justin Trudeau - Freeform, Scandal, Slow Burn, Tragic Romance, affair
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2018-11-18 20:51:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11298603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShutUpAndGetStoned/pseuds/ShutUpAndGetStoned
Summary: When Melanie reappears back to the life of Justin, the reconnection between them is almost too strong and beyond rational. For a period of time, it has been all fun and game, but what makes everything slowly fall into pieces is little do they know that they have always been both the moth and the flame to each other.Disclamer: this story is 100% fictional, even though I ship Melanie and Justin, I actually ship her with her boyfriend in real life more, I wish they will just get married and have babies





	1. Old Flame

Song for the chapter: Elliot Moss - Boomerang (it's so much harder to fall in love when you've been in love before)

Scott Speedman as Jared

\- Work stuffs. 8pm, La Bouchon. Justin - 

I read the message, frowned. Work stuffs. I look at the clock, it's still the morning. Why can't we discuss this during work hours or even lunch? And La Bouchon, such a fancy place. What does Justin want?

I sigh, I know Jared is not going to be happy about it. "Hey, I'm afraid I won't be able to meet you tonight." I tell Jared over the phone.

"What happened?" He sounds disappointed.

"My boss will need me for something." I say as a matter of factly.

"What's that something that he needs during the night? Can't he do it just now?" He asks the same question that I'm wondering.

"I don't know, he didn't specify in the message, he just said work stuffs and maybe he's busy during the day." I make a defence for him somehow. "But I'm really really sorry. I know it's your birthday."

"It's okay, it's work. It's not like you have a choice."

"Still, I'm sorry, and happy birthday."

"Thanks." He pauses. "So... text me after the work okay? I can pick you up."

"It would probably be late. I think I can just grab a taxi." I can't bring myself to make him do it for me after I cancel on him on such an important day.

"It's fine. But I'm just wondering maybe we can crush some bars afterward." 

"Right... You know what, let's not do bar, let's go to my place, I've got some great wine, shall we?" I try to make it up for him.

"It'll be swell too." A sense of excitement resurface within his voice. "I'll be staying in the office, call me anytime and I'll be there."

"Okay, I will see you later tonight then." I say and hang up. 

The happiness within his voice because of me always makes my heart whine a bit. Because while I do have a boyfriend, Jared isn't the one, he's nothing but my best friend whom some years ago I knew through a court case and befriended with. Deep down I know he wants more than just that, and I've tried in a mild way many times to tell him that I'm not interested, still, he's here.

§§§§§ 

I step out my office at around half past seven and see a black car waiting for me. 

"Miss Joly, Mr. Trudeau is expecting you." A guy in a suit with beard says while holding the door for me. I reckon him to be one of Justin's drivers. I don't protest, catching a taxi this hour is hard.

The place is not far from my office. Shortly, we arrive and he drops me off at the backstreet of the restaurant where stands another guy in suit leading me into the room. Justin is sitting at the table already, he's in casual wear, probably the only guy I meet this evening that's without a suit. Work stuffs. Didn't you say that?

"Hi, Justin. What work do you want to talk about?" I cut to the chase.

He doesn't say anything yet, not until the waitress has poured my glass and leaves the room quietly.

"How's your day?" He still doesn't address my question. I take it as a form of normal socialising.

"Good. The usual MP stuffs that you expect me to do." I say plainly.

"Do you like the wine? It's Chateau Lafite." He changes the direction of our conversation with the ghost of a smirk across his face.

"It tastes nice." I say after taking a sip. Of course it tastes divine. "But I believe it's a bit of an overkill..."

"It's not an overkill if it fits the situation." He lets out a grin.

"What do you mean?"

"Melanie," he says my name, and if I'm to be upmost honest, I'll say I often melt a little when he does so "I want you to be my minister of heritage." He puts it in a way that it's more like a statement than an invitation.

"What? Why?"

"I can't think of a better person than you for the position."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, of course, you've been heavily involved in the art industry, you're the perfect fit." He says in all earnest, but I'm not convinced.

"That doesn't sound very solid to me, give me a better one."

"Who asks question like this?" He looks between amused and cross.

"I do." I prompt and he probably is confused about why. But I can't set my mind onto this if he can't even persuade me into so himself.

He frowns then remains silent while the waitress just knocks again and is here to deliver the starters. He gazes at me, looking rather frustrated. Not wanting to be stuck in this awkward silence, I choose to fixate on that cherry red wine, I know I really have been a little too harsh on him tonight but I also know how he's trying to tug me at my heartstrings. I need to be hard on him so that I can go soft on my scared heart.

"You're intelligent. And you have great taste in arts." he speaks again when we're alone with his voice sounds firm and face impassive. 

"That's a very general description."

"Also —" he struggles with more. I don't doubt myself, I know I'm qualified, but I doubt his intention. There's a gut feeling telling me that it is his way to keep me close. Right from the start of my political career, he has been more than supportive, I took it as a favour he would do for an old friend, but with time, it begins to me that he demands more than pure friendship. Needless to say, it can't be one-sided, I have contributed my fair share of indulgence and lack of willpower in this, since I'm too only human. However, the thing that I'm not sure is if the possible closeness that he seems to be further suggesting is something that I'm ready to cope with.

"Justin," I decide to be more direct. "you know two years ago already that I'm not doing politics because of you, right?"

"You've kept reminding me that so I do know." His expression is unfathomable. "But how about you give me one reason that you don't want the job?" He says as he turns the table around, leaving me speechless. "You've already run for the MP for me. Why not take the minister job?" He asks again.

"For the party." I correct him.

"I meant for the party. But that's the same. Unless you have a reason that you keep secret to yourself." He says as if he has read my mind. And though sometime I do feel like he does, I guess that's because we share the same situation where we are both in deep denial while godforbiddenly want to admit the existence of our feeling.

"I'm a family friend of yours. What would other people think?" I try to say it in a roundabout way even though I know he realises that I've been trying hard to balance my ambition and the distance to him.

"This is such a lame reason. And I'll promise you no one is going to point a finger at it." He sighs. "Still if it's what you claim to be your concern, I'd say I can't control how others think, but let just say I need a close friend in the cabinet regardless. So would that be better for you?" He emphases the word friend to reassure my hidden doubt.

"I just can't say yes yet but then." I murmur. He's given in to some extent I can tell, at least in terms of rhetoric. But in reality, what's next for us then? I will need to think through it.

"It's okay, you don't need to answer me anything tonight." He says as if in defeat. "Just promise me you will think about it."

"Okay. I promise you." I say with guilt and I hate how every time our conversation would simply go down, it always ends with one of us being frustrated or upset.

"The dish looks great." I say to compliment his choice of restaurant because I don't want to keep him feeling disappointed about me not being as excited as he is about the nomination.

"Well, I'm glad that there's at least one thing you like tonight." He's half annoyed and half pleased.

"There's certainly more just one thing I like here." I look at him steadily until his eyes find mine, making sure he knows what I'm talking about. I know he needs this so I choose to let him win, though not too much. "The wine, for example." I add to brush it off a little.

Amusement lights up his eyes, making them turn back into the mesmerising blue that I would love to peek at when he wouldn't notice. "I'm hopeless." He takes the hint and smiles again.

Here, I admit that we just flirted, we did, and we do this constantly. But we're nothing more than that, despite both of us would have wished there is something more. We reckon there's a boundary that we both see between us, and it was built years ago because of a mistake. Overstepping the line temporarily is one thing, but banishing its existence is another. 

I look at him, a part of me is crushed. His invitation is tempting, and he isn't really the senseless one here, it is just that now we both have to bear the taunt and torture that we have been responsible of since forever.

Forget the past and we live. I guess it's easier said than be done.

The atmosphere turns better after we drop the topic and I gotta say the dinner is an enjoyable one, I often feel comfortable and happy with him despite everything that has happened between us. He offers to drive me back home afterwards, and as usual, I decline. I've been to his car with him several time before. We were at the backseats which are definitely cosier and larger than those of the normal-people cars, but still it makes one easy to forgo the concept of separateness. Each time, I could almost feel his temperature too burning to my skin, with the dim lights that flickered from the outside and the soul-excruciating music that he insisted to be played on the radio, it was an ultimate test of self-control.

"I thought your car is still in repair?" He points. And I don't even attempt to ask how he knows about this. He simply just knows things.

"Yes, but I have someone to pick me up."

"But Frederic is out of town." And yes again, sometime he even knows where my boyfriend is going.

"It's Jared." I roll my eyes at him as he just won't give up.

He raises an eyebrow. "Jared..." He murmurs. He has met Jared more than I can recall since Jared is such a close friend of mine, but there isn't a single time that he wouldn't react negatively towards him whenever he is seen or merely just mentioned.

I know what he's thinking and sometime it's fun to watch him all keyed up and ticked off, but I also feel like I've refused his kindness more than I should that I owe him just something. "I'll give you the answer tomorrow and I'll let you know that's because today is Jared's birthday." Right, I clear everything for you and make you a priority.

He smirks, the annoyance from his eyes is gone. "Please send him my best wishes then." He says, playful again.

"Well, I'm rather sure even if you truly mean it, he may still probably hate it." I can't help but add sarcasm along. We both lose in chuckles.

And among all the things that I bury with lies, I have to be true that the playful, all-fun Justin is sometime too lovable to resist. Perhaps, it's because this resembles the Justin in youth; and perhaps, more importantly, it also suggests the time when there wasn't a boundary that now defines us. 

§§§§§ 

When Jared and I are finally at my house, it's already late. I go to my mini cellar to take out yet another Chateau Lafite, though it is not as pricey as the one that I had with Justin, it's my favourite. But of course, Jared is worth it.

"So what work was that about?" He asks while I pour his glass.

"Well first thing first, happy birthday, we still got an hour before it ends." I raise my glass and say.

"An hour is good enough." he smiles sweetly. "And wow, it's a great wine." 

"Glad you like it. It's probably the only thing that I can treat you here though. Half the time my fridge is empty and half the time it's filled with expired food."

"You should focus less on work, this lifestyle is nowhere close to healthy."

"I'm a MP now, I know I'm not as experienced as many, so it's my way to compensate that."

"Whatever, you're a workaholic, just that you wouldn't admit it yourself. But anyways, what did you guys talk about?"

"We did talk about work. And..." I sigh. "He wants to appoint me as his minister of heritage."

"Then congratulation?"

"Jared, do you think I should take that?" I've never really told him anything about me and Justin, but I need his advice, I trust him and sometime he knows me better than myself.

"Is there a reason to not to?" 

"I don't know. You think?"

"He does seem to favour you a lot though. From helping you to run for the MP to this." He pinpoints my worry.

"It's not that." I lie. "I mean, it's quite some serious work."

"I've never seen you not believing in yourself." He takes a sip and gazes at me in scrutiny.

"That's not very helping." 

"I couldn't understand why you wouldn't want it, in a normal situation-wise."

"So you think it should be a yes to the job?"

"Will you want to give him a no for an answer?"

"Well, he will have his way to make me agree to it anyway but then..."

"Look, I don't wanna put it this way." He says while putting down the glass. "But, why should you always say yes to him?"

"I don't know, maybe because I owe him..." I slip. Shit, why did I say that? I just had one glass.

"Why?"

"That's between us." I add quickly.

He sinks into the sofa and arches his head staring at the ceiling. "I've always thought that you two are more than just old friends to be honest." He says after a long pause. "That probably you have dated, and I don't think that's the exact thing that you wouldn't want to talk about. But somehow, you owing him? So that's not an amiable one between you?"

"It wasn't like that." Or was it?

"So you admit that you two have dated in the past then."

"Hey. Don't make me regret inviting you for a drink." I roll my eyes at him. He always has way to make me tell him things that I don't plan to. I guess it's a skill that comes with being a lawyer.

"By your reaction I can confirm that without you saying it out loud."

"Fine. You win. The public doesn't know about that. But like you said, it's not something that I actively try to hide, so don't take it that way."

"Then what? He wants you back?"

"No. Of course not. He's married."

"People have affairs all the time. If not, then what's the worry?"

"Jared, I just told you one thing and that one thing happened like ages ago, you don't have to over-imagine our current relationship."

'In theory, you haven't really told me anything, I've had my guess for quite a long period of time since you met him again and started to play in the political field."

"Please, I was just asking if I should take the job, plain and simple."

"If you hesitate, that means a yes. Because I know you would never give a second thought to things that you don't want. Much like the relationship you have with him."

"You're making too many unnecessary connections that don't even exist."

"Melanie, if you don't trust me, you won't ask me. You can deny that but I'll tell you it's what I see. Ever since you suddenly wanted to run for mayor I've had my doubt. You were so young but you had already reached the level of being a member of various boards. It didn't make sense for you to start over in a new field."

"But you know I'm always an ambitious person."

"Yes, and doing politics is no doubt the fastest way to gain power. But it's the way that you do it that gives you away."

"I'm climbing up the ladder fast, what's wrong with my way?"

"Because it looks you're only doing this because of him. When you announced candidacy for Montreal mayor two year ago, you said you have no plan for federal politics and would stay for the city, but then next thing I know you're already a MP and a possible minister — it seems he appoints you to posts and you'll just never say no."

"That's still a way to achieve my ambition."

"You don't follow, you lead. That's who you are. Unless, you still like him." 

"I'm also a friend of his wife. Don't forget that."

"See, this is your argument and you choose to answer with it instead of addressing it directly." He snickers as though he has just won a case.

I let out a heavy sigh. "Can we just drink over it? 'cause sincerely I don't want to waste my wine thinking about anything related to him." I feel tried, and somewhat irritated, although it's not because of Jared's constant asking, more, a part of me agrees with what he's saying that on the top of the fact that Justin is married and I'm taken, he might actually want me back and I might actually still like him.

"Not like drinking can make you forget him though." he teases.

I punch him lightly in the arm. "Don't think it's your birthday and I just won't hit you."

"Okay, okay, I'm just messing with you. And I believe I have all the rights to do so for I've waited you the whole day. But I gotta say, I'm sure he was a terrible boyfriend and now a terrible boss."

My mind lingers at his words. Yes, he was my boyfriend, and he was also my love, my world.


	2. Play Pretend

Song for the chapter: Jaymes Young - Moondust (I’ve buried my love to give the world to you)

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry.” I bump into a person when I enter my office and spill my cup of tea onto him. But it takes me more than a second to reckon that no one should be in my office this hour, unless —  
“Justin, what are you doing here?”

He leans casually, back resting on the bookshelf and remains all smiley. “First, your security system fails. And second, you said you would give me an answer today and now it’s today.”

“Well, you could have just called. And I do want to say, first, my security system and my staffs are perfectly fine, and you got straight into my office without a problem because you’re the prime minster-elect. And second, you’re lucky that it’s tea or else the way you rub your shirt is going to leave a permanent stain.” I can’t help but notice all those tissue lints on his shirt. I place some more tissues onto his shirt, the best way to clean it is always just to soak it up.

Cunningly, he works on the way I help him into his advantage. He moves his body and closes our distance, trapping me between the wall and his wide chest. “You still haven’t answer my question though.” He breathes.

My heart skips a beat at his sudden nearness. And if I haven’t trained myself in the past two years to resist him, I would just have kissed him against my rational mind. “Apparently, you haven’t given me enough room to think.” I retaliate quietly.

“If you want room, last time I check, the room for a minister is definitely larger than your current one.” He has taken my hint, but decided to play it his way. 

“What if I want more than just a bigger room? What if I say no then?” I’m not letting him win, Jared was right, he can’t just get what he wants every time.

“You won’t, because you would have given me that no last night if you mean that. Also, if you want more than a spacious office, I’ll offer you whatever you mention within my power.”

“Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.” I look and push him away. My face is slightly blushed under his breaths that have gently touched my skin.

“Beside the promises that you didn’t specify so that I couldn’t begin to keep, you literally have no reason to reject this.” 

“Same as the way you have no reason naming me.” I say dryly.

“Melanie, I’ve already told you that you’re the perfect fit, what proof do you still want?” He frowns, all of his playful grins are now gone.

I walk further away from him. Frustrated, thousands of thoughts have crossed my mind, but none is good enough. “It isn't about how the world proves that I can do it, it’s that I can’t convince myself to do so and you know exactly why.”

He looks slightly away, as in he’s in deep thought. “I know,” he says quietly “but you also need to realise that sometime things got stained, just like my shirt, but it’s okay, you live with it instead of throwing it away so that you can pretend it doesn’t exist.” 

Right, it exists, the feeling we both share exists, and that’s why I need it gone. “This is your style of dealing with things.” I sigh. Sugarcoating it doesn’t work. “But I can’t. Okay? I cannot do this.” I confess.

His mouth sets into a hard line. The disappointment in him is visible, but there’s more than just that.  
“In this case, you’re leaving me with no choice.” His tone is serious.

“What?”

“I’ll just have to make a press release saying that you have been nominated.”

“But you know by then if I decline or resign, you would suffer the harm, right?” I warn him, though I couldn’t deny that I’m moved by his persistence.

“There’s risk in everything, the only matter is if it’s worth it.” He still doesn’t give in and he’s staring at me like he’s not breathing, focused, determined.

“I —”

“Melli!” a voice suddenly booms from the door, and we both turn our heads. 

I feel lucky that I pushed him away earlier because it’s Fred that comes in, and I completely forget that he’s back today. 

“Oh hi Justin, I didn’t realise you two are in a meeting, Mel's assistant told me she's alone.” He says apologetically.

I glare at Justin, he mouths the word Melli silently, I can see how he detests the way Fred calls me in nickname. But still, he collects himself quickly.  
“Don’t worry about this Frederic.” He gives him his poster-posh smile.

“It’s okay, I can just come in later.”

“No, stay.” He says with a cheesy grin, almost so genuine that if I didn’t know him better I’d too think he really means it. “‘Cause actually we’ve just finished discussing. And good news,” he looks at me, his beautiful blue eyes shine “Melanie has agreed to join my cabinet as the minister of heritage.”

What? I swallow my surprise. But still my eyes widen from the shock from what he’s just said. How could he use Fred as a way to get to me? He knows Fred will be suspicious if I do differently later than what he has just said before him. But how, how could ever he use my own boyfriend to keep me close to him?

Giving me no chance to protest, he leaves my office after wishing us a good day. I’m lost at speech, trying desperately to figure out how I should properly feel about this. And I would admit that I’m not at all mad at him coercing me into taking the job. More, I’m surprised at the length he would go in order to do so.

What brings me back to the reality from my trance is Fred’s hug. And may god forgive me, I’m so occupied at my thoughts that I forget about his presence once again.  
“I’ve miss you.” He says.

“Me too.” I lie a bit. I love him, or at least it’s what I think. And for the record, he is the guy that I have the longest relationship with that we’ve been dating even before I went into politics. Yet, everything that’s with Justin changes everything that’s with me and Fred.

“You know, I really hate all those business trips. And I hate being the CEO if that means being away from you.” He releases me from the hug but still holds me at arm length.

“It was just a week. Plus, you’re a smart and talented person, you shouldn’t waste it because of me.” I study his face, there’s is amount of love that I don’t deserve. “Also, it’s not like I will ever run away.” I add.

“You better not, ‘cause it will break my heart. And by the way, congratulation, seems like you got a promotion.”

“I guess.” I smile at him as sweetly as I can manage. Although I know he is the type of person that won’t think too much, I still need to stay as neutral about it as possible.

“I’m so happy for you. And now that you will be staying in Ottawa more, I just wonder… do you fancy moving in with me? You know, I’m always prepared.” He asks, his eyes are full of hope.

We both used to live in Montreal, again, not together. But when I decided to have a second residence in Ottawa since I’ve become a MP, Fred has actually suggested that we should live together. I didn’t want that, so I used the fact that being a MP will still need to go back to my riding from time to time as an excuse. Still, he bought a house and moved here with me, as he likes to say just in case I change my mind. And now, being a minister will definitely mean less time back in Montreal and here he asks me the question that I’ve been avoiding.

My heart sinks at his words, because little does he know what staying in Ottawa more truly means. "Fred, we've talked about that already. I have people come to my house all the time for work and stuffs, if I move in with you, it will bring in inconvenience for both of us." I look down as I say, feeling guilty that I’m lying to him on so many levels. "And you know, our relationship doesn't need prove of anything."

He smiles, and that’s between bitter and sweet. “I guess you’re right. But I’ll tell you that not being able to wake up next to you is a torture.” He leans down and kisses me gently. “Because, gosh, you're so beautiful that I just want to see you every morning.”

§§§§§ 

I walk into the office, everyone is holding a red cup and smiling. And before I even ask, I already know what’s happened.

\- You throw a Tim Hortons party for my whole office? -   
I text Justin.

\- Since you agreed to the job, I think there should be a celebration. Also, the press release is in this afternoon, you better further brief your staffs while they're high on donuts. -   
He replies within a fraction of second, I bet he’s been waiting for it the whole morning.

\- I’m sure they're already high when they spot the delivery guys. And are you coming down here? -

\- You want me to? -

\- No. I don't. Because if you’re here it will just make things weird. -

\- Hum. So I prepared a party that I won't be invited to. -

\- If you want some Tim Hortons, I have no doubt that you can have it 24/7. But anyhow, thanks for that. -

\- Well I'm still slightly disappointed that I miss out such fun. But you're most certainly welcomed. -

\- If you're that disappointed, maybe I can save you some. But maybe I'll also eat yours 'cause who can resist it. -  
I type and add a sense of tease along the lines. Yet right after I hit the send button I start to regret immensely. I definitely shouldn’t let him feel anywhere close to that.

\- I don't mind, or you can just save me half. -  
My heart sighs, and I wasn’t wrong, he always catches that effortlessly.

\- Justin, I'm sorry, I wasn't acting appropriately. -   
I say quickly to re-set our boundary.

\- Sharing is caring. That's very applicable to even friends. How inappropriate was that? -  
Sharing half a donut is appropriate? No Justin, not when we’re what we’re.

\- Right, if so, then perhaps I should also bring in a box to the minister meeting later today... -  
I type, slightly annoyed at his slyness but also lowkeyly enjoying it.

\- Perhaps, and I'm sure that will be the meeting with the highest attendance rate. -

I smile weakly at his text. There, he’s humorous and loving, if I can just loose up myself to accept this. But despite I wish I can, I can’t, because I already know how easy I would subconsciously give in to him, I need to set my guard up when I’m at least aware of what I’m doing. 

§§§§§ 

I decide moments before the minster meeting in the afternoon I should go to his office to personally say thanks to him. Nothing more, I just want to show my gratitude. And when I'm sent in, I see that he's not alone in the office.

"Hi Justin. Hi Sophie." I say.

"Hi Melanie!" Sophie greets me with a hug. "I haven't seen you for so long, you have been so busy doing the MP election."

"Indeed, and I would definitely love to visit you and the kids. But lately it's still been a wreck. You know, all the changes and staff rearrangement." My inner self laughs at my hypocrisy. 

"Of course. Especially now you're going to be the minster of heritage. When Justin told me that he appointed you, I couldn't help but agree you're the perfect person."

“Well, that’s because Sophie is still very much in love with the art selection that you picked for our living room." Justin joins in the conversation.

"Oh yes, they're the highlight of the whole room." She smiles at me genuinely.

"Thank you, it's always a pleasure to be able to help decorate a beautiful home." I say when trying hard to hide any trace of awkwardness.

"So what work do you want to talk about?" Justin then switches the topic and asks, mimicking the question that I would usually first put forward when we're alone. And while she might not know, I understand precisely what he’s signalling here.

“If you two are going to talk about work. I think I'm just going to leave. It’s time for me to pick up the kids anyway." She says and then give him a goodbye kiss. Again, I was right about his motive.

"You're holding files. So I guessed that's about work." He says after she’s left, in the tone that he would use exclusively when there’re just us.

“Those files are for the later meeting. But I'm just here because I want to say thank you to you in person."

"For those Tim Hortons?" 

"Yeah. And everything. The nomination, the help you've given me all along. I just want to say you're such a great friend. Thank you."

"As you said, we're great friends, it's what I should do." He crooks his head to one side, smile at me dearly.

"But Justin,” I hate to break this to him, especially today is supposed to be a special day for us, but if I don’t make it clear now, it will for sure turns into a bigger mess later when the job will require me spending more time with him. So I need it to stop, I need us to stop. ”I think you've done enough and the whole friends thing needs to end because now we're both at higher positions, everything is at higher stake as well." I put in those words cautiously.

“What do you mean? Are you saying because we’re both high-ranking government officials, we should stop being friends?" He employs his usual tactics, attempting to rephrase my words into something that is in his favour.

“Don’t try to steer away from the reality by taking what I said out of the context. You obviously know that's not what I mean."

“I don’t, unless you're more specific about it.” His eyes brighten up and his intention is clear, he wants me to admit that I’m aware of his affection towards me. Yet, this time, he has the wrong bet.

"Fine… if it's what you want then I'll be very specific. You know that Sophie is also a good friend of mine.” I start. My heart is racing, I know what I’m going to say is something he’s never going to want to hear. “So if anything happens to you, doesn’t matter if that’s because of me or whatever, that's going to hurt her. And in no way, as a friend of you or her, I would allow myself to do so.”

Nervously, I explore his expression for anger or rage, and I'm not sure what I'm finding there. He stands, with both of his hands on the table, and draws closer to me. “You’re even taking Sophie into this then?” He says as his emotion takes a quick turn.

I glance up at him, I don't know how exactly he's feeling but I know he's upset with me because I've just hit him with the truth that he’s been avoiding the whole time. “Yes. And isn’t she the key reason in this? You love her, do not forget that.” I utter out each word without a flinch. And I gotta say even though I'm stunned at my own audacity, I do not regret saying these.

His body still and he first closes his eyes as if in pain, then opens them with a mix of rage and sheer frustration. “I need not you remind me that I love my wife. And I also need not you tell me how I should feel.” He lets out the words the way I did and his voice is almost too loud even for his enormous office.

Taken back slightly, I know he must be hurt, because after all the things he has done for me, I couldn’t even allow him to at least express his feeling towards me given we both like each other. But who are we kidding? I know his family, his wife is my friend and I have even babysat their kids. 

“You can be mad at me all you want, I'm fine with it. And yes, it was all fun and game. But after a week, after the inauguration, you will become the new prime minister, and constantly you will be under the spotlight and scrutiny. What if —”

“You know what’s with you all along?” He cuts me off. “You are all business and you only care about how the world would think, but have you ever considered about my feeling? No!” He sharps. "All these years, you've never changed…”

And before he can notice the pain his words have inflicted on me, I tear my gaze away from him. “How exactly I’m of the position to care about how you feel, Justin?” I ask. ”And you know I’ve done everything I should as a friend, ‘cause now you’ve said that, I just realise I gave up my previous job, which everyone thought I was crazy; and to do what you wanted me to, I moved to a different province from that of my boyfriend, that it’s only because he loves me enough he now moves here as well. But yes, maybe you’re right, maybe I don’t really care about you, and your feeling just never concerns me, all these years, not at all.” I manage to finish saying it even my voice turns weaker with each word.

He doesn’t utter a sound after, he’s perplexed, but there isn’t even a trace of regret or sorry in him for the words he just said. Upset, I turn stiffly and decide to walk out of his office. Do not let any tears fall down, I urge myself. In five minutes you’re going to be in the meeting in which he will also be in, so have a little control of your emotion, I keep repeating this in my mind. But despite how I’m trying to numb my feeling, his words stings more than I think mine would, because at least, deep down in my heart I recognise his affection… But surely, I was wrong about how that’s the case for him… 

Away from the heat of our argument, the hallway outside his office is cold and empty — there isn’t a single person, the only sound I can hear is my heels clicking on the wooden floor. Of course, he wouldn’t follow me to apologise or do anything. Who am I to him? But at the same time, I can’t help but think if it’s my fault. Did I hurt him so that he said all those things? My heart is in conflict because while it feels right that I don’t want him to transcend our boundary, it also agonises me to think that he stays nice and all to me only when he sees fit, that he only wants me in certain ways and in limited forms. Unwillingly, I admit that it was a mistake for me to think that our past would mean anything in our current relationship.


	3. Inauguration Day

Song for the chapter: Alex G & Jon D. - Everything Has Changed

“Wake up sleepy head.” Fred smiles at me and plays with my hair.

I almost forget that I’m at his place. But that doesn’t matter, the thing is why is he waking me while it’s still early? “No, the sky is still dark, just give me fifteen more minutes.” 

“It’s seven in the morning already, and you said you want to be perfect.” He says in a soft voice.

“Am I not perfect to you?” I say idly while slightly turn and am unwilling to wake up. He’s seen the morning me so many times anyway, I’ve lost the veil of mystery that now I can definitely care less.

“You’re flawless. But are you sure you want to walk to the Rideau Hall in pyjamas?”

Rideau Hall. Right. Thanks to my mind’s special ability in blocking things that cause burden to my heart, I almost forget that today is November the fourth and it’s the inauguration day where I’ll have to smile for the show. And unlike Fred who is constantly like the sunshine on this brutally cold land, I can’t find myself to be as nearly excited as he’s. 

He slips off the bed to his routine after making sure I’ve at least been awake. I stare briefly at the celling while still drawing in the comfort of my bed, I recognise this will be the day where everything will be officially said and done between Justin and I. The memory of our fight last week is still fresh to me, but it is not what he did that annoys me, rather, it is what he didn’t. For these exact seven days, we have not talked about anything beside work. I couldn’t deny maybe it’s his way of honouring the boundary between us, but he acting as if we’re truly nothing more than just boss and employee hurts my feeling. How can he not call or even send a text to me for the whole week? Is that true to him that if I can’t be what he wishes me to be then we ought to be complete strangers with our friendship of all these years ruined?

Reluctantly, I drag myself out of the bed, and forced, I accept this as the truth.

I go for a steaming shower to clear out the headache from overthinking and then put on the dress and accessories that I’ve already picked, yet among the pile of things I’ve prepared for today, nowhere my coat is seen. Damn, I must have left it at my home yesterday.

“Fred, I’ll need to go back home to get something.” We’re not living together and I don’t often spend time at his house but ours are close. In little time, I can just drive back and forth.

“What’s that?” He asks when lying out plates on the table. He’s making us breakfast.

“The coat. I think I forgot about it.”

“Well.” He catches me before I hurry to leave, then leads me back to the dinning room. “Just sit, I have you covered.”

“What do you mean?”

“I couldn’t sleep too well last night so I woke up early and somehow I saw it missing beside your dress. I searched house a bit but it wasn’t here so I figured you must have left it at yours.” 

“But how — I mean, you drove back to my house to get it for me while I was sleeping?”

“Ya, that’s the case. And you were sleeping like a baby.” He chuckles.

“Oh, Fred…” I feel a wave of emotions sweeps me. The breakfast, the coat, the everything… He did these all for me…

“Babe, save this face when I propose to you.” He cups my face and look me in the eyes. “Let’s say I’m glad that I can. ‘Cause after today, we just might not be able to see each other that often. My honourable Melanie Joly” He regards me then kisses me gently.

I close my eyes, there’s more than just the kiss that I’m feeling. For one, we apparently have very different grounds to feel unease about the upcoming future, which adds to the one hundred and one reasons that I simply do not deserve him. I’ve debated with and tormented myself for more than I can remember if I should break up with him. I’ve wanted to set him free as well as myself from the burden of guilt, and I’m sure he can find better because no one can possibly be worse than I’m. But the reason of why I’m not worthy of him is painfully the exact one that I’m unable to allow myself to do so. 

It will destroy him if I really do — he loves me and so much so I believe I can learn to too.

§§§§§ 

Groups of reporters and people holding mini Canadian flags are cheering on the both sides of the road to the Rideau Hall as we walk in. While Fred is with my parents in another crowd that is behind the government officials one, as a “family friend”, I’m invited to walk right behind Justin and Sophie, and next to his mother, Margaret, along with a few colleagues.

“You look exceptional.” Margaret says as we both wave to the crowd.

“Thank you. And you look even better!” It’s true, even at such age, she’s looking fabulous, energetic and radiant, nothing like a grandmother.

“You’re such a sweet girl, no wonder Freddie is always happy round you. And so is he here also today?” She asks and looks a little back to the crowd behind. She likes to call Fred Freddie even in reality they have only met several times before. I’m guessing that’s because he’s just so likeable that sometimes the same goes to my own mother who seems to be more excited to see him than me.

“He’s just been back from a business trip last week, so yes, he’s here.”

“He couldn’t possibly miss your big day, could he? Speaking of big day, do you guys have any plan?” She says in a cheery whisper. That escalates quickly.

“What do you mean?” I murmur. Though indeed I'd be lying if I say I don't know what she’s implying, she’s wondering if Fred and I would move on to the next step of our relationship, after all, both of us have reached our career high points, it makes sense for us to achieve something else that is other than work. But despite she’s a like a motherly figure to me, this question makes me feel so unease. Because first, it is not the ideal topic that I would like to talk about when Justin is right in front of me, I know I shouldn’t care, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t create awkwardness. And second, what if Fred does want something more than what we are now, am I ready for this? I highly doubt.

“Don’t be shy. You know I’m asking when will you two get married. It seems to me a good timing after you’ve done the MP election.” She now puts it in a more explicit way.

Neither do I want to deny nor accept the possibility, I then try to find excuse to not answer her question directly. “But I’m not only a MP now, I’m also a minister whereas he just takes over his father’s company. So we’re both just very busy.” 

“Oh darling, work is for the day and you will need to settle down sooner or later. And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for women’s empowerment. But you two are in love anyway, it’s about time for you to think about that.”

“I don’t know… And you know, it’s not something that I can just decide on my own…” Load, how can I end this topic?

“I’ll tell you what, he’s more ready than me wanting to be a god-grandmother.” She pays on my shoulder and smiles at me. Her smile is just as true as she always is.

“Well… I guess all I can just say is I’ll make sure to let you know when it happens then.” I try to brush it off, in some senses, she isn’t wrong, I know that Fred is a family guy and I never doubt how much he would want to build a family with me, but what really scares me in knowing is while it’s the case, the same may not go for me.

I’m not ready, and I don’t know when I will ever be.

I look at Justin’s back, the sense of guilt resurfaces as if it indeed has never left. I can’t be sure if my lack of readiness is because of him. But one thing I can be certain right this moment is that he can no doubt hear what we’ve been talking about disregarding the loud shouting crowds. Whether he cares or not isn’t something I can simply read from his bodily language, but he’s one hand waving and another holding his son talks enough that we’re set to be like two lines — parallel or intersecting, we will never be on the same path ever again.

§§§§§ 

Justin and Sophie host a non-official after party in their own house, all the ministers and most of the MPs are invited. And before I attend the party, I go back home to change into another coat. As both Sophie and I have been aware of, and so as many people on Twitter, we wore almost the identical white coats to the inauguration. We burst into laughers when we saw each other, and I know that as gracious as she's, she just didn’t mind that at all. But while it might be the second trending topic on social media right now, it's definitely my top fashion mistake. 

“It has a different cutting. And to be honest, you wore it better.” Fred tries to comfort me while driving me back.

“She’s the first lady. I’m just a government official…”

“So?” He doesn’t get that, and I’m glad that he doesn’t. She’s the wife of Justin, I’m just a minister, we shouldn’t look alike, with what status I’m to?

“I should’ve just worn black instead.” I sigh.

“Well, you would still outshine her if you wear all black.” 

I give him a weak smile. “I can never argue with you. But it’s not that.”

“You didn’t do it on purpose. Also, maybe if I haven’t gone back to take it for you, you may end up with another one.”

“What? No, Fred. What are you saying? It can’t be your fault, it can be nowhere yours. Because even if I went back home myself, I’d definitely still pick the same one.”

“Well, I don’t know, for whatever reason you’re blaming yourself, I’d rather you blame it onto me. I just want you to feel better.”

“You’re an idiot.” I shake my head with a smile.

“I’m a fool for you.” He says and starts singing. I can’t help but laugh. He just has that special ability to just make me happy all the time.

We arrive Justin’s house in the evening, it’s already flooded with people. Great, more the people, less the attention. I’m not shy of it, but I’m sure I’ve had enough today. 

I find myself accompanying Fred to mangle with the people from the business sector instead of chatting with my colleagues most of the night. On one hand, I don’t want to get anywhere close to Justin so hiding behind Fred will be the best tactic. And on the other, I just figure tonight shouldn’t be only about me, it should also be about him too.

I stand quietly by his side while he talks and promotes his ideas, and I can’t help but appreciate how charismatic he actually is, that he’s full of creativity and energy, and that there’s just never a dull moment when he’s around. I watch him, and it somehow reminds me of why I fell in love with him in the first place — he’s fun, yet not playful; and he’s also loving and impossibly sweet, but he knows when to give me space, and most importantly, as he gently rubs my hand with his when he talks, he makes me feel like I’m always his priority. I think about Margaret’s words, maybe she’s right, maybe it isn’t too bad of an idea for me to settle down; and maybe I wasn’t able to feel this way because I haven’t really given much thought about it. Right, maybe I should just try harder.

Loosing myself up a little and enjoying my time with Fred, the party has been a blast. Even we’re surrounded by colleagues and serious people, the night has been a very pleasurable one, I’ve had a few drinks and there’s just an insane amount of laughter shared between us. Yet, just when I feel lucky that I’ve escaped another day without much emotional roller coaster riding, the unfortunate reality remains that luck is never my friend. I happen to run into Justin in a quiet corridor right before I plan to leave.

Why? I roll my eyes at my fate.

“You look great today.” He says, among everything he could possibly bring up, he decides that’s the first thing he’d say.

“I didn’t mean to pick a coat that looks so similar to Sophie’s.” I try to clarify although I know there’s absolutely no need to. “When I made the choice, representing the designers in my riding was the only thing I had in mind.” 

“Well, I’ve not thought about the coat thing at all. The only thing I wanted to point out is the fact that you look gorgeous. And certainly there’re many talented designers in your area.”

“Well, thanks then. I’ll for sure let them know.” Annoyed for no reason, I keep my words short and turn to leave.

“I need to have a word with you.” He murmurs and blocks me on my way. 

I stop. “Okay, please go on.” 

“I want to talk about it at a more private place.” 

“Is it about work?” I ask directly.

“Yes.”

“Then here’s private enough.” I say emotionlessly. Although if I’m honest I’d admit I won't mind going somewhere where there will only be two of us as a part me does start to miss the time we spent outside our professional relationship. As friends, though I also remind myself that.

He looks around, making sure there’s no one and we won’t be heard. “Fine. I will be off to France the next week, so I won’t be here —”

“That’s your business.” I cut him off. “I only head the department of heritage, I don’t wish to know any of your private matters if it’s not pertaining to work.” I stay as formal as possible while staring at distant. No, I don’t want to know anything about his life. I’ve promised him to do this post, but this will be the last thing I would ever do for him.

“You haven’t even let me finish. I was just about to say since I will be busy next week, but that I will also need to appoint the parliamentary secretary to each minister. I want to know if you have any preference so that I can pass it to my staffs to work on this during my absence.”

“I shouldn’t have any preference, should I?” 

“It’s not abnormal for you to, you can have some closer colleagues that you may think you work better with. I’m simply trying to make things smooth for everyone.”

“So you ask every minister about this one by one?” I question.

“Do we really have to talk like this?” 

“I thought it’s our style of talking? Since obviously you have been doing this for the past week.” Now he reminds me of our seven days of not talking.

“I’ve got things that I’ll need to think through. This, all of this isn’t easy for me neither.” He gestures as if this means us, and here we go, we start our play with words again.

“Nothing is easy before it’s hard.” I say. I know he’s still hurt, but so am I. And the only way to seal the wound is to cover everything up together because apparently doesn’t matter what history comes along with it, no wound is not ugly. “If one doesn’t choose to deal with it when it’s still manageable, it will just get more out of hand with time. And I bet you know your hands will be more tied up as a prime minister.”

“I know and that’s why I’ve been trying to figure us — things out. And I hope you know that there have been times when I wasn’t precisely clear about what I was thinking and so I said things that I didn’t mean to.” He looks at me, his eyes are regretful, so much that I wish I can just forget about the rights and wrongs and accept everything that has been happening. But no, I can’t, because it is exactly for us that I will need to be strong on this. Also, what about Fred? I can’t.

“Anyhow, let’s just talk back the thing about the parliamentary secretary.” He sighs and continues after me not giving him any response he deserves. “I want you to have two MPs as your secretaries.”

“The reason is?”

“I knew you would ask. You will be responsible for Canada 150 birthday, that’s for one. Also, multiculturalism and diversity are key issues in our government that you will need to tackle, that’s another. That’s why you deserve to have two.”

“I won’t protest against what you propose since I realise it’s the whole package of undertaking the post of being the minister. But I need to state, and I think you actually know, that the number of parliamentary secretaries by law cannot exceed the number of ministers.” He is reasonable, but I still want to point that out.

“Well I will tell you that you’re not the only one that has more than one secretary, so it doesn’t mean anything.”

“I didn’t imply there’s anything. But as your cabinet member I am obligated to remind you that.” 

“As my cabinet member… Melanie, you’re not only — I can’t talk to you like this and you know that…”

Should I go softer on him? No. “I thought I can’t neither. But nothing changes after me doing so last week, so I guess you will be fine too. And if there’s nothing more you want from me, I’d like to excuse myself, Mr. prime minister.” And before time would allow him to respond, I’ve already headed to the other end of the corridor.

Mr. prime minister. This is how I would call you from now on.


	4. Orpheus

The song for the chapter: Shawn Hook - Reminding Me (feat. Vanessa Hudgens)

I'm about two weeks into my new job and Justin has been back from France, but he and Sophie are still all over the news the whole week. And I have to admit, they look great in photos, much like a pair of prince and princess in a fairytale. Holding hands sweetly and walking elegantly in front of the cameras, they are the power couple that would make every Canadian proud. Yet in spite of what my conscious mind is thinking, underneath me there’s a tug of unease jabbing me whenever I see them together. Am I jealous? No, and I have no reason to be. But on the other side of the reality, their overspilling sweetness somewhat haunts me with the ghosts of flirtations that have been shared between Justin and I. The word betrayal knocks on the door of my friendship with Sophie.

I switch off the TV to avoid the guilt that exists even when Justin is not here. And after finishing off my tea, I begin my work of today. To be fair to him, he has given me a wonderful job even though I didn’t really want it in the very beginning, I enjoy what I have to do every day that I dare to say I may be having the funniest and best job in the cabinet. I read the email of today’s course, it’s smooth, I will have to pick up some art works from the Canada Council of the Arts, then to the National Arts Centre for another event. A trace of smile touches the corner of my mouth when I read the schedule. While I’ve been so much busier that each day I can easily have up to five events, I realise I’ve never been happier and satisfied.

One of the biggest changes that I’m still adjusting to from being the minister however is that constantly I’m surrounded by people and things are generally taken care of for me. Right from the moment I step outside of my house, I’m greeted and chauffeured by my driver and when I get to the Art Council I’m welcomed by the staffs as well as Don, a TV host who will interview me during the course. The sense of me seems to be less important once I’m at this post, my opinions and my actions are more linked to the benefits of or the impacts onto the public than it’s to myself. Of course, I do take this as my responsibility to be accountable for the people who elected me, but it feels foreign that I’m not just me anymore.

“Hi, I’m Don Martin, I’m here at Canada Council for the Arts where government officials loan and get their arts from. Today with me is our new heritage minister, the honourable Melanie Joly." Don starts the basic and introduces me in front of the camera. “See anything you like, Melanie?” He says when he leads me into the stock room.

“A lot.” I say in all honesty. “It’s like being in a candy store, and I'm an art collector.”

“Contemporary art or the older staffs?”

“Contemporary as a collector. But I’m also a huge fan of the classic paintings.”

“Then you’re in luck. Because either way, I trust you won’t be disappointed here.”

And it’s true, the moment he says so, I already have my eyes on several art pieces.

“Oh careful, there’s a Stephen Harper art behind you, it’s his body cast.” He suddenly points.

“I thought that’s you, Don.” I laugh a bit and I mean it, I thought the huge sunken part is his belly.

“Nah, I’m better than that. It’s probably the art that not even the officials from the previous government would pick.” He jokes. “Might have a better chance if it’s Justin Trudeau’s though.”

Body cast of Justin… Not that I’ve never seen him naked, but the idea of this is still making my heart beat fast. I bite my lip at the thought and wishfully hope that my blushing face is not captured on the camera.

“Beside art and culture,” he changes the topic into something more in depth after showing me a round. “Tell me something about your political career. Because as we all know, instead of running like people would normally do, running for the Montreal council, you aimed for the top notch and ran for the mayor in Montreal in 2013, why?”

 _Why?_ That’s the same question Jared has asked me before and it wasn’t until him that I have reflected on my decision to enter into politics. So luckily, his asking has prepared me for this. “Well, at that time, Montreal really needed help and a new generation to get involved. And I’m all about risk taking, so I formed a new party and brought in a breath of fresh air. Although unfortunately I didn’t succeed myself, I helped elect eight members of my party into the council and I’m also very pound to say lots of ideas that we presented during the context of the election become what the current mayor is doing.” I give him the exact speech I’ve been practicing and convincing myself in front of the mirror.

“I see, but in retrospect, that even though you’ve lost it, it seems like it’s still worth the risk that now you won the lottery and become the heritage minister of Canada.”

“It’s not a short-cut but then you know.”

“True, but you do springboard in that direction.” He smiles. And he doesn’t mean anything other than simply putting the facts out. For one thing, I’m sure a lot of people are amazed by how fast I’m in terms of coming from nothing to being a federal government official.

But how did Justin not see that? And what have I been thinking? I question myself.

§§§§§

I feel absolutely exhausted after hitting just two events today. It’s not the job itself that’s tiring however, more it’s about the inner conflicts that I’m having — I love my job, it usually gives me energy and I know I’m acing it but Don's words stay put. Is my jump to the post possible only because of Justin? Such sense of guilt seems to have never left me since day one.

I take off the heels and wander around my kitchen barefoot. After staying in Fred’s the first few days since he’s back, I move back to my own house. I like the tranquility, the air of freedom and the feeling of familiarity. But it’s not that I exclusively do this with Fred, I request both time and space, amount of which people usually wouldn’t expect a woman would want in every of my previous relationship, except…

_God, why do I miss you so much?_

A fragment of memory surfaces, I hear the voice of the young me who was looking into someone's eyes saying the thing I will seldom say now. And given the years, I still remember how it felt vividly, the level of affection between us has made the meaning of forever stay at its linguistic sense as there wasn't a moment we were apart.

Just when Justin’s younger face invades the peace of my mind, a buzz from my phone is sent across the table to my fingertips, I happen to get a text from him too.

\- Are you free? There’s something that I want to show you. - Hasn’t he just been back for a day? And why is he seeking me?

I decide to ignore his text. Because first, like his every other text, he hasn't specified the thing that he aims to do, and second, it’s the evening already, I’ve fulfilled my duty of the day and I deserve a thought-free night.

\- It’s important to me. I will just show you that something is all. - Yet, he sends me another text.

\- I promise. - Followed by a third one.

I trace my fingers on the keypad, and before I acknowledge that fact that I’m replying him, I’ve already hit the send button.

\- Yes, I’m free. - My body rats me out.

He texts back within a friction of second.

\- Great. I’m outside your house in a black SUV, but not the government one I usually ride. This one’s car plate starts with letter G. Take your time, just come outside when you’re ready.-

Surprised and now curious, I put on my shoes quickly. And since I’ve just been back from work, I’m outfit-ready so I basically leave the house in no time. I open the door and look around, making sure no one is on the street watching. I do recognise that I don’t have anything to feel guilty of to begin with, but still, I try to get into the car as fast as possible.

“What’s that thing, Mr. prime minister?” I say dryly to hide my curiosity, I don’t want him to know that I’m sort of interested in what he’s going to show me.

“Please, Melanie, stop calling me that.”

“Then what’s that thing, Justin?” I change my tone a bit. Okay, maybe that’s really a bit too far.

He smiles. “Well, I promise to show you it and that will be all. But… I will need to take you to a place first because I don’t have it here with me.” He says when he suddenly leans across me and buckles my seatbelt. And that’s the problem of agreeing one thing to him, it always leads to another.

Shocked yet chained by the seatbelt, I’ve wanted to protest, but he being inches close to me has stopped my heart and by all accounts clouded my judgement. Also, it's not like I can jump out of the car because before I even know we're already hitting the road. "So where we're going then?" I ask instead. I swallow the words it’s not fair. It’s too late, my subconscious mind has let him win like it’s already the millionth time.

"You will know along the course." He looks at me. "Or at least I really hope you'll."

I peek outside, the sky is looking even darker with the tinted window rolled up, making the moving building harder to recognise. We drive past the Ottawa river, that’s one thing for sure, and by the direction we’re going, I think we’re heading to Gatineau. At first, I’ve thought that we’re going to the Canadian Museum of History, since he’s hinted that it should be a place that I know and that also it’s most related to my current job. But as we continue to drive, the establishments along the two sides of the road seem to be gradually replaced by fields of green, and at the point where we become the sole car on the autoroute, I can almost confirm where he’s bringing me to.

Gatineau, forest, the place that he wishes I would remember, all these would only make sense for one place. Right, that place.

We stop in the middle of nowhere after about an hour of drive, the time I’ve expected for the place I have in mind. I gasp at the sight of the forest when I step out of the car, not because of the chilliness it’s forcing upon me, it definitely has dropped five degree compared to the city, but that while it looks exactly like every Canadian forest, it's no other forest, it's _the forest_.

"We'll have to do a bit of walking." Justin turns on the flashlights and hand me one. I follow him without saying a word, the resurrection of memories I'm experiencing has left me speechless. He’s bringing me back here where I’ve told no one and where I have forbidden myself to come to avoid the spasms of emotion.

The path is narrower than the one I remember. I reckon the nature may have taken back what’s its over the years. I trudge along the ridged rock trail, then I wonder if the waving twigs are welcoming me or trying to hold me back from moving on when I swat them and attempt to not fall epically onto the ground.

_Why would I ever wear my three-inch heels to the woods? Oh right, because Justin just happened to pop up right in front of my house without prior notice._

"Take my hand." He reaches out to me. His invitation is more than alluring, my hands are freezing and I could no doubt use some balancing. But somewhat I’m upset, or frustrated, because he leaves me neither appearance-wise nor mentally prepared.

"You could have told me we're going to our cabin." I mutter. _Our cabin_ , I just said the words — yes, the cabin that we’ve spent our summers and winter together at. I feel like my heart is going to explode at the possibility that might be excruciatingly exciting but at the same time hauntingly disappointing. Why are we going there and what’s really next for us? My irrational mind can’t wait to find out.

He grabs my hand still despite I refrain taking his as he first offered. “I would’ve told you if I could take the risk.” His playing with words sometime is annoying, but I know what he’s inferring to, because he’s right, in no way I would have agreed to go this far with him if I’d known it right from the start. “But I couldn’t. Much like you shouldn’t if you don’t want your cute dress covered in mud.” He says to justify holding my hand.

My dignity urges me to withdraw it back, but my reality-oriented conscious tells me I can nowhere be a good woman if I’m walking into the woods this deep with a married man once I was in love with.

After fifteen-minute-ish walking, we arrive at our pint-sized cabin within the heart of the thick green, the largeness of which seems to further shrinks when one looks up at the surrounding giant trees. And though it’s always been a teeny-tiny one, we weren’t rich when we were young so that was the only one we could afford, it has a fireplace and a bedroom that has a design mimicking a sleeping porch, which makes waking up here looks like something that would only happen in the fairytales.

Justin switches on the lights swiftly as if he has still visited here from time to time, and it looks exactly like that has been in my memory: the main living area is bordered by an open kitchen and the stoney fireplace, with a hardwood dining set and a checked sofa separating the two, and the bedroom jointed with the bathroom is set at the back of the cabin. My heart sinks into this sweetest kind of pain when I’m finally and again at the place where we named as the teacup. It’s a silly name but I like tea and this place is small.

“We now also have climate control.” He says. Apparently he notices that I could be dead from hypothermia after being exposed in the unforgiving Canadian winter without much gear.

“How…” I’m surprised at the fact that while the setting remains the same, it’s highly modernised and maintained.

“I’ve had people revamp the place as well as some regular cleaning, but of course, no one knows that I’m the owner.” He shows me around while still holding my hand. _Wait, why are we still doing that?_ I gently let go of his.

“For the past thirteen years?” I ask. No way, there’s no way he’s been doing this for this long.

“Yes, for the past thirteen years.” He looks into my eyes as if he’s trying to study me. “And I still sometime come here alone, you know, to do some reading and stuffs and to just be here.”

“But why… why haven’t you told me any of these after we, um, befriend again?” While gaining back the old memories, I seem to have lost a bit of my voice.

“Because I haven’t been doing this on purpose, it’s more of a habit of my heart. I never mean to get anything out from this.”

“Then why are you bringing me back here now?”

He takes a heavy breath and his eyes still have never left me. “I’ve thought about your words, those you said in my office before the inauguration. I’ve thought about them, hard, and then I decide regardless of the path we’ll be taking, right or wrong, there’s one thing I need to do first.” He says as he unveils the object covered in white cloth. “I need to show you this, and I can’t think of a place better than here.”

Wide-eyed, I cover my mouth in surprise. This, and by this, he means the painting of Orpheus and Eurydice that should be staying in the display room of Louvre. _Is that what he’s been doing in France?_ I dare not touch it, and I even hold my breath while trying to study it up close. The infamous Orpheus and Eurydice, not any replica, but the one and only that was made based on the tragic love story in ancient Greek legend, is sitting gracefully in front of, and exclusively for me.

“How do you still remember?” We’ve been to Louvre together once, he spent the day following me around listening to every story I told him about each painting. For the day, I was his personal docent, and he was my sole audience.

"More like I cannot forget about it. You’re right, in every sense I should now be more occupied by being a prime minster, a husband, and a father. But there’s one thing you’ve left out unnoticed, there is still a role I played with you that haunts me."

“Borrowing it isn’t difficult, compared to all the other things.” He continues. “The France president and the curator are my personal friends and I know I did misuse my power. But I can’t bring myself to not try again before I allow you to determine how we should and will be.” He says and looks at me, his thumbs caress my cheeks as he leans in, obviously he’s not keeping his promise about just showing me one thing. And while I should have fallen backward when he draws in closer, I haven’t, because I’m just weak. _No, I don’t want to fight anymore._

“Melanie, please…” I hear him whisper before I both physically and mentally agree and that his lips reach mine after moments of torturing eye locking. My heart beats heavily upon this heavenly touch, not fast though, because I’m not nervous and our lips fit almost too perfectly with each other. And there’s no butterfly, as we’re not in our youth anymore, we’re adults who know what we’re doing. But it’s for this exact reason, the longer the seconds we kiss, the more burdensome my heart feels as the deeper the sin I drown myself into.

I slightly drop my head and break the kiss after another century has passed. He gazes at me steadily, I know what he’s thinking despite he’s still, we communicate just through our eyes. But that being said, I think I should give him, or us a fair warning. “I wish you know it’s wrong. Justin, we’re so wrong.” I didn’t say so to retreat, we both know better that we’ve past the point of no return already but I need him to know we walk into this with our eyes wide open. Heaven or hell, saint or sinner, we’re in this together.

Given my message underneath the line is subtle, I know how he understands that fully. He doesn't speak a word afterwards, but he has made his stance clear — he slightly let go of me yet he makes sure I know he’s patiently waiting as he gives me the power to decide if I’m too going down on this sinking ship he’s already and willingly on.

 _There’s no other choice_ , my heart says. So slowly, I close my eyes and I take his hands this time. I pull him close to me and I press my lips against his. Not too surprised by my action, he takes back the control and fills me with his fervour that I’m now finally giving in after years.

“I’ve never stopped wanting you.” He whispers into my ear, with the amount of sincerity in his voice that makes me can’t help but surrender. I run my finger through his unruly hair as he later sprinkles little kisses down the side of my cheek and across my shoulder. _Here, we are about to cross another boundary._ He stops those kisses to look at me with his eyes seeking my consent, it shouldn’t be hard to tell I guess, because both my body and my mind are willing. So skilfully and freeing me slightly from the trap between his chest and the wall, he moves his hands on my back, and effortlessly he finds the zip of my dress, and then the next thing I know, it’s already on the floor.

He smirks, then suddenly spins me around as if we’re in a waltz. “You’re beautiful. What should I do with you, Melanie?” He says as he admires my body.

I giggle at his unexpected move and dirty talking. All these years he hasn’t changed, and he being care-free and earnest has always and somewhat made my heart swell with an unexplainable amount of joy. “I’m curious.” I smile at him sweetly.

“Oh well, then let’s not wait to find out.” He sweeps me off my feet and scopes me into the bedroom. I appreciate that, because all those kissing and touching have made my legs very weak.

Our bedroom is nothing grand considering the size of our cabin, but sitting in the middle there’s a king-size bed covered in fresh beige linen. Justin is careful with the details, he’s created some mood lighting and had the end tables holding vases of roses that make the room smell very flowery. I like that how even when he expects nothing, he’s still well prepared.

Gently, he eases me onto the bed and then he stands at the edge of it, starting to take off his shirt like the time he stripped off for a charity cause. My heart races in the most vehemence fashion as the anticipation is killing me. He’s taking it so slow that I start to feel a little bit shy even though such picture of him is no foreign to me.

Swiftly and after being free of cloth, he then climbs back onto the bed and remove whatever that’s still on me, leaving a trail of cloth all over our little cabin from the lounge to our bedside.

“Say that, Melanie.” He implores me when placing his forehead onto mine.

“Say what?” I ask softly.

“That you want me, that even it doesn’t have to be as much as I want you, but that you want me.” He says and his voice has turned a bit strained.

His words pain me, because when preparing to say so, I realise it’s always been on my mind that a part of me has decided to cheat behind my partner with him who I see married every day. But regardless, it is the new-found truth. “Justin, I want you, and I’ve wanted you.” I say honestly.

A bittersweet smile stretches across his face as he then tenderly pins my hands above my head and start to leave kisses all over my body again. I can’t justify what we’re doing, but to admit that the amount of sensation he’s giving me is divine will be an understatement.

We roll between the sheet, we kiss, we touch, we leave fingerprints on each other’s body and we seldom break eye contact. I miss that and I didn't realise I've been missing being able to feel him like this until now I finally do. I look into his eyes and instantly I feel captured; they’re enchantingly blue, and they hold an untold universe.

“Lord, you have no idea how much I’ve been missing you.” He tugs my stray hair behind my ears as if he wants to see me clearer. And after teasing me with more tingling touches, he carefully nudges me knees apart and positions himself between my thighs, which then slowly, he begins to push himself inside me. I wince a bit at this sweet sense of shock then I wrap my arms around him to pull his body even closer to mine.

I lose my mind somewhere along the way and it is now like a small town blasted by firework and is being combusted in a magnificent way, but beside the messiness that’s within my soul, our kiss matches the rhythm of our movement. And he isn’t rushing, instead, he’s treating me like a delicate art. My heart ache at this thought, because the way he is being makes me realise he doesn’t lust for sex, the only thing he yearns for our intimacy. I hear him moan lightly beside my ear, he doesn’t change his speed much, still being slow and steady. Yet the pressure within me is building, with each of his thrust he’s bringing me to closer to cloud nine.

Hotter, deeper, his breath becomes more ragged with his rocking motion. I moan into his mouth as he kisses me with fierce hunger. “Justin… you don’t have to hold back…” I say breathlessly. I know he’s restraining himself, so much that reaching the climax feels like climbing through an emotional barrier for him.

“Melanie,” he almost yells my name and I can’t help but sense the delicious agony within his voice, “I want to give it all to you.” He groans, swiveling his hip with a faster speed.

I’ve wanted to answer, tell him that it’s okay and that I need him too, but there isn’t really much I can do beside making a small and helpless sound of need that echoes his want. His mouth tries to find mine while he urges himself into the sorest part of my body but his attempt has gone in vain. If there’s anything my mouth can do and that will be gasping out for more oxygen.

Having my hips pinned to the bed by his pounding actions, the touch between our bodies is searingly intense. I convulse and arch beneath him on the edge of explosion with my voice completely escaped. The scent that emanates from us is heavy and heavenly entrancing that entirely bewilders the line between reality and pure fantasy. I dig my nails into his back as that tightness within me starts to become unbearable and his hot breath is as swallow as ever. “Oh Melanie!” He growls, with his face buried in the hollow between my shoulder and throat. And it is with one final solid thrust, he slams it all into me that we finish together in divinely fashion.

 

:)


	5. The First Dawn

The song for the chapter: Novo Amor - Embody Me

Justin is lying next to me, with his eyes closed sleeping peacefully. Everyone likes to say he’s the sexiest politician alive, but seldom do people reckon beside being hot, he indeed has such a baby face — his cheeks are just so very chubby although unfortunately they seem to have sunken a bit over his years of being the liberal leader and now the prime minister. 

A part of me want to roll over and back face him upon seeing his gorgeous right after opening my eyes, because I want to think us through. _Gosh, what have I done? What have we both done? He’s more than lying next to me, he’s lying naked next to me._ But I can’t think clear, I can’t even take my eyes off him. I watch him breathe in and breathe out, it’s too captivating, there’s so much life that’s within him. And it’s then I realise it’s already too late, whatever we have done has happened. And he’s real, our moments are real. 

I further study his face, a mix of emotions creeps through me and for the first time in my life, the whole of me wishes magic exists. His jawbone is sharp, and the word beautiful can still be used on everything about him. But given he ages like fine wine, time promises it will make no exception for anyone and has decided to ruthlessly leave marks on him. His eyebrows are looking thinner, slightly broken at the ends, and there’re face lines that people would like to think as signs of maturity. 

But no matter how it's been glamorised, he has aged, and I hasn't really been here to witness that... How I wish there’s magic in me that perhaps I can smooth out his wrinkles, and perhaps time can then rewind. 

He wakes when I’m about to touch his face. “Good morning.” He says with a raspy voice. 

“Morning. Did I wake you?” I retreat my fingers.

He smiles. “No.” Then he catches my hand back and rubs it against his face. “I’ve been awake for quite sometime actually, just that I want to stay in bed with you.”

“Did you watch me sleep?” I mumble and grab a pillow to hide my face. I don't know why I'm shy now, I wasn't even last night. 

“Well… I don’t want to admit that but yes. It’s always like the highlight of the day.” He throws away that pillow, amused. Watching me sleep has always been his thing. He was indeed somewhat a heavy sleeper, though I don’t know if he has changed this habit over the years. During our time, I had assumed this was almost always the case and so usually I’d let him sleep in even though I had waken up. But then later I began to catch him eyeing me sleeping. Intrigued, I asked him why, and he said he sometime he just wanted to watch me waking up next to him that he would remind himself to sleep lighter. 

I smile at the memory. “So you’ve also reminded yourself to not sleep like a log then?”

“Let's say it’s not hard because I guess my body gains back the synchrony when I’m with you again.” He gives me a kiss on my forehead. “I didn’t watch you too long though, I was afraid I would scare you.”

“Justin," I mutter, "nothing about you would ever scare me.” _Except and perhaps the affection that still exists between us that shouldn’t_ , my heart reminds me.

“Does that mean you’ve just granted me the permission then?” 

“Oh you wish.”

“Well, I could watch you sleep all day, it never gets boring.”

“But there’s really nothing to watch beside me breathing.”

“Isn’t that lovely enough though?” He gives me an earnest smile.

“It isn’t lovely if I’ve got bad breath.”

“I’ve got bad breath too, we’re only humans.” He says and climbs above me, then kisses me passionately.

I chuckle, his hair looks even wilder now as he gets up. “I’m not ready for a second round. I’ve got to go back to my riding this afternoon, I have an event tomorrow.”

He stops, then pouts. “I haven’t been thinking about a second round until you mention it. But now you just left me hot and bothered.”

“You can go get a cold bath if you like.” I gently push him off. There’s a reality I need to get back to despite I’d rather drown in this fantasy.

“If I’m getting any bath, I’m definitely not doing that alone.” He says with a suggestive tone. “By the way, so do you want breakfast or bath first?”

“Why not both together?” I joke.

“I guess I can never not agree with you.” He grins and slips off the bed.

“Wait, I wasn’t serious.” 

“Oh well, it’d be fun.” He is already yelling from another room.

After making the bath, he leads me to wait inside while he makes the breakfast. The whole room is cozy, with a very woody texture. while the bath itself isn’t large, I guess it’s large enough for two. 

Waiting in the bubbles I watch Justin holding a tray of food in towel, I try to hold my laugh, but for sure, such image of him is already more reserved than it would be if he was just in an apron. _Oh, that would definitely mean more than breakfast if that has been the case._

“Since you’re a mix, I’ve got you both the Canadian tradition and a hint of France.” He presents me a plate of maple syrup soaked pancakes and some croissants decorated with berries.

“Didn’t you say you’re going to show me one thing is all?” I tease him.

“It never hurts to be prepared. Though if my plan failed I would have to eat them all by myself.” He takes off the towel and gets into the bath. “Oops,” the water in the bath spills “I guess that means we will have to get closer.”

“I’m curious. You renovated the bedroom to make it bigger but why not also the bath? I’m complaining though, this size looks fine to me, just that I’m wondering why you didn’t do it altogether.”

“I didn’t think much about the bath. But the bed, really?” He squeezes his eyes with a smug look. “Bed is for the action.”

_What? Did he just say that?_ “Um…” I sort of struggle to word. “It’s sweet that you keep this place for so long, but it’s really a bit weird that you’ve planned… for _that_ that long.”

He looks at me, his smile turns into a broader one. “You got the wrong idea of what I mean for action. Melanie, you like to take three fourth of the bed, no, four fifth of it when you sleep, action means my effort to resist your invasion of my bed space as well as our blanket war. Even though both consciously and subconsciously I’m willing to let you win, I appreciate having more territory to start with.”

“I feel like that’s still not what you completely mean.” I bite my lip in doubt. Did I misunderstand his words? I think not.

“Hum, we can test it out next time.”

Next time, there he says it… That means it’s not going to end, or at least us being together in this way is what he sees in the foreseeable future. I don’t know how to respond to this without the fear of misinterpretation. I know our affair is not going to be one-off, the chemistry between us is more than that, but thinking that it will last for at least some period of time scares me. Next time? Each next time will possibly lead to the next next time. I like him and actually I’ve still been liking him are something that I can’t deny from now, so it’s not even a matter of if I should, but more like how. How am I going to have an affair with a married man while at the same time I already have someone that I love? 

_Even law school couldn’t prepare me for this because there’s no book about it…_

I eat my food without adding onto that, I’m hungry, all those _work_ exhausts me. Yet, he isn’t touching his food much. “Why aren’t you eating?” I ask.

“I don’t know, I just want to look at you.”

I blush, and gather the bubble around me. We’ve been naked together in many times, but his explicit statement still warms my face. 

“No, it’s not that.” He chuckles. “I swear more than fifty percentage of the time I’m simply appreciating your gorgeous face, and though I can’t offer you an explanation of why, I just like doing so. Also, there shouldn’t be anything you’re ashamed of, you have a beautiful body.”

“The way you’ve been talking the whole morning makes me lose grip of what I should do…”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it sort of happened too fast… I mean, we were just what we were yesterday and look at us now. I’m not finding it easy to adjust.” Am I regretting? No. But am I embracing it fully? Probably not too well neither.

“Actually, nothing has really changed when you really think about it.” He takes my hands to cup his face. “And tell me, have you never looked at the mirror and find yourself beautiful?” 

“You’re incorrigible.” I murmur with my face still in crimson. “I turn a bit lazy after being the minister though, I should probably start hitting the gym again to keep shape.” I add.

“About that… I indeed want to apologise to you, a part of me knows that you will enjoy the job and you’re the perfect candidate, but another part of me also knows that you have your reservations. Yet, I still forced you into being my minister because I couldn’t fight the selfish urge that was within me.”

“What you say is true, I’ve had my concerns but at the same time it’s actually great. Like you say I enjoy being the heritage minister, and I feel happy to advocate for the things I love. Getting paid to be the VIP at concerts, I’ll be more than lying to say I don’t want that.”

“So you’re not mad at me about that?”

“Not at all.”

“Hum, then maybe I should’ve appointed you to more things, principal assistant to the PM, what do you say?” He jokes.

“My dear prime minister, if I were to be your assistant, the first thing I would advice you is don’t press your luck.”

“But haven’t you now realised? Luck has always been on my side.” He says cockily as he pulls me in for a hungry kiss.

_Oh well, he’s indeed hungry, just that he doesn’t want simple breakfast._  

§§§§§  

I go back to my riding for the first time since I’ve taken office and attended a function. Sandra, my district manger who is also my best friend, helped organise the event. It was held in a park, almost like the annual PM garden party, but of course it was better because it was in my beautiful hometown. 

“You look busy but you don’t look like you’re busy.” Sandra says as she pours me a cup of tea. I’m at her place for some catch-up after the event and before I head back to Ottawa for Monday.

“How’s that a thing?” I ask, curious.

“Well, I thought the promotion glow would only last a week or so until the workload hits you, but in every way you look happier than ever.” She gives me a quizzical look. 

Now she mentions such glow, I do realise I have one. But the reason behind might be far from what she could’ve ever thought of. “I guess I’m just full of energy maybe.” I shrug. 

“Wouldn’t argue that and I’m glad it’s been the case for you. But let’s get back to business, you only got so much time, what do you plan to do in managing the riding? You know, being the Ottawa men or women comes with a hefty price of the possibility of losing votes. Especially when you’re in the cabinet and that means even less time back here.”

“Wow, you’re already thinking about the next election cycle?”

“Not really, but you need to start planning for the management anyways.”

“See, that’s why I make you my district manager, you’re the best, you always think for me.” I give her a genuine smile. Sandra is an expert in management, she excels every single way in this field. However, if there’s only one role she could be, I’d pick her to be my friend rather than my colleague, because I know that she’s the person that will always have my back.

Riding politics is different from that on the federal level, it isn’t easy, even it has a smaller population that one needs to be accountable to, often time the things that come up are much more unexpected. But Sandra’s aid as well as the fact that Justin has prepared me beforehand have made everything smoother. Quickly, we’ve gone through the general, and have most of the things planned out, until a thought surfaces… 

“Sandra, do you think having a youth council is workable?” I ask while she’s already closing her Mac.

“A youth council? As in that invites young people from the community to get involved in politics?”

“Um, basically.”

“Frankly, that translates to more workload and responsibility but no guaranteed vote because they may be too young. Why?”

 “You want the truth?”

“There’s a reason beyond politics?”

“In some sense, I feel like I abandon my city when going to federal politics. You know, I said I would stay and run for mayor again…” It was two years ago, but that’s what I’ve promised and I’m sure the media has no problem remembering it.

“You can’t possibly think that waiting for another two years till 2017 is a better solution than getting into work like you’re now, right?”

“But it doesn't change the fact that I broke my promise.”

“Melanie, no one truly expected you to stay and you know exactly why. You’re not municipal material, and given the opportunity, how wrong is it to leapfrog and to work for your city but just on another level?” She tries to comfort and convince me. “People tend to think that politics is complicated, but in reality, it’s simpler than most things. There’re no right and wrong, there’re only winner and loser.” She adds.

Her words make sense. But am I a winner? If so, is that why I lose my moral ground so easily? The regret of leaving municipal politics is nothing more than a trigger, the real issue is what has happened between Justin and I, and it manifests itself when I’m away from him and his spell. 

“Anyhow, I want to do something for my constituency.” I say as to repent a part of my sin.

“Well, it’s extra work but it’s not difficult, I’ll arrange that.” 

“Thank you.”

“So… Is there anything else bothering you?” She asks with a speculative tone.

“Hum?” I peek up from checking my phone — there’s still no message from Justin, not a call, not even a single text — then lock the screen hastily. 

“You look rather disconnected and half the time we talk I can only see a bunch of blonde hair.” 

“Sorry, I was just looking for something.” I lie.

“You have been doing it the whole day. Are you waiting for someone’s message? Fred’s?”

Fred’s? Oh god. I can literally see my subconscious facepalming herself and snapping at me. Sandra knows Fred, everyone I’m close to knows Fred, but I’m on the other hand waiting for a guy that no one thinks as my another half.

“We’re no teenagers.” I lie, again. Right, and why should I care about if he calls or texts or not? We’re adults, we had sex, no string attached.

“You may not be. But he’s surely very much one when he’s with you.”

“He’s a mature guy managing his own company.” My denial mode is on, I don’t want to admit Fred’s love to me when the naked body of Justin just crossed my mind. No.

“Then that further means he’s the whole package. Mature for the outside world, nothing but a puppy when he’s in your world. But you know what’s the most important thing? He loves you only.” 

“How do you know he loves me only?” My ashamed mind quickly asks to further protect herself from drowning in disgrace while my sane mind knows by heart that even the asking is a sin itself.

“You're clueless. Oxford should open a class that teaches relationships. They didn’t teach you anything about that in law school eh?”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t love me, but to definitively say a person only loves another person is a bit too assertive. After all, we’re all just humans…” 

“But Frederic is a puppy. And your puppy even made you a scrapbook —” She clamps a hand to her mouth. 

“A what?”

“Shit.” She frowns at herself. “Can you pretend you’ve never heard that word? He’s poured so much effort into it and it was meant to be a surprise for you… Forgive me, I’m the worst friend, please act ultra surprised when it happens.”

“But for what?” Christmas is far away from now and our anniversary is in next year’s summer. Why is he making me one?

“I don’t know. And even if I do, I shall be damned if I spill the beans again. So just forget about what I've said. All you should have in your mind is that Fred loves you.” She says and looks right into my eyes. I almost flinch, her reminder paints a reality that’s more than sweet, but at the same time, cruel. 

_Fred loves me, but that’s not the only thing that’s in my mind._


	6. Mind Games

I frown at my phone while walking down the corridor to my office. It has been more than a day and I have tried to convince myself that Justin has simply been busy, but still, I can’t swallow the fact that there isn’t a word from him since Saturday. I gaze over the longcase clock that is perfectly hidden along the mahogany plated wall, but it reveals the time immediately. It’s nine already. I know he likes to wake up early and even that I don’t expect the morning contacts that are usually exchanged between the newly-dated, my mind can’t stop wondering how come it’s been hours since he’s been awake but never have I crossed his that would make him call.

Frustrated, and slightly mad, I decide that I will not make the first move and if he likes not finding me then let’s just not talk. However, the self-acclaimed victory I picture in my head over the calling game fades into nothingness when my eyes betray me by laying themselves on the handsome figure that is walking down the stair at the end of the corridor.

_Dammit!_ I notice him before he does.

“Melanie.” Justin calls me when I drop my glance and pretend to be checking my phone.

“Hi.” I keep a cool tone, I don’t want to sound too eager, especially when he’s not alone — Katie is next to him, holding some black leather binders. They seem to be on their way to some meeting. 

“Morning, Katie.” I greet her too, but all she returns me is a squeezed smile which is at best unusual, but at worst, hurtful. I couldn’t figure out why, we were somewhat friends during the time we both worked for Justin’s leadership campaign. However, it seems to me that once when I started my own campaign for the MP election, our dynamics changed abruptly, she became more than just cold, as if I’ve done something that offends her personally. She keeps standing next to Justin, I guess she’s expecting a short conversation between us. But her poker face is making everything awkward.

“Katie, would you mind helping to brief minister McKenna first. I have a few things that I need to talk about with minister Joly.” Justin turns to her and suggests. His hint of asking her to leave is not at all odd, she’s the chief of staff, that’s what she would usually need to do. But she’s not taking it as casual as she should, and I know that by the eyebrow she arches at me before she heads further downstairs.

“Hey, how are you doing?” He takes my hands after knowing the whole corridor is clear.

“Good as usual.” I answer.

“Really? You look rather… bothered.” He point, but he isn’t totally sure.

Bothered? Oh yes. I almost roll my eyes, but that would give me away. “No, I’m still enjoying the memory I had back in my riding. How’s your Sunday, _by the way_?” I ask tartly. It must be fun filled, right? Right?

He pauses to contemplate the question, then a smirk appears on his face. “Bad.”

I look at him, now confused. His emotion is not matching his word.

“Well, my sim card was broken, so I couldn’t make any contact to anyone yesterday. It was annoying.” He begins to explain and then takes the phone from my hand. “What’s your password?”

“Why?” I don’t want to give him that, it’s a series of embarrassing numbers.

“I got a new number.” He says with an even smugger look, then he holds my right thumb and press it against the home button on my phone to unlock it. 

_Idiot, that’s why he didn’t call._

“You can just call me with your new number.” I feel embarrassed underneath that I want to run away just now. 

But he’s not letting go of me, he keeps holding my hands even after he’s typed in his number. “I like to give it to you in person. Also… if you’d like to know, I just got it right before I go down for the meeting, so you’re the first to have it, not even Katie or Gerald.”

Now, he’s not helping but makes me feel even more ashamed of myself. First, he’s innocent in not calling me, and then, he’s trying to make me special? Was I too paranoid about him? “Don’t make it like you’re doing it on purpose, you just happen to bump into me.” No, I can’t let myself to be too wrong.

“No, my meeting is at nine fifteen so that’s still a long time away. I meant to go down to your office so that you can be my first.” He replies earnestly.

I look away to avoid his gaze, I’m yet to learn how to face him when that wasn’t a flippant remark, but he means what he meant. “Well then you better not let Katie know about it.” I try to joke to divert the direction of the topic to something else, I don’t want him to notice my blush.

“Unless I never want to see the end of the day.” He laughs and places a kiss on my forehead.

And at the instant moment, I still. I’m more than shocked. What is he doing here? Since when he’s become like this? Oh right, we’re somehow a thing now… But no, wait, what? Did he just kiss me on the Hill? 

My body is suddenly the consistency of liquid. And I don’t find my joke funny anymore, because apparently, the joke is on me now. “Anyhow, you should go, you shouldn’t be seen with me for too long and Catherine’s waiting.” I murmur. If he’s staying in front of me for another minute, I’m sure I will burst into flames.

“If that’s your way to get rid of me, you’re in bad luck. I’ll find you around lunch again. It’s not totally a date unfortunately, it has work. But I’ll see you later.” There, he finally lets go of my hands.

I watch him disappears in the stairs, which seconds after I receive a buzz from my phone.

 - I like how cute you’re when you’re mad. But you’re silly to think that I forget about you, or your number -

Did he think that I’m an idiot? Probably. But did I look like one? I one-hundred precent did.

§§§§§ 

Justin has asked me to go to his office in the afternoon. And since everyone else is out for lunch, I enter the room without needing to be sent in or knock. I walk in lightly, he is sitting at his desk, focusing on his computer, entirely oblivious of my entrance.

“What makes you so occupied?” I ask when I sit down opposite to him.

“Hey. Nothing, I’m just reading some documents. I thought you would come later.” His voice surprised. 

“Why?”

“Isn’t the official languages committee meeting supposed to last for an hour?”

The fact that he’s a lowkey control freak is something that I’ve established for years. But still, it doesn’t mean that I’m not surprised by how he always know every single thing. “Yes, but we finished early. How do you know my schedule?”

He grins, unmistakably not shy of telling the truth. “You know when your assistant presents you your daily schedule every day via email, there’s another one sent to a central system.”

“There’s a system like that?” Wow. And I see why people are so keen to be in the in-crowd.

“Yes, every minister’s and MP’s schedule is marked so that the government can plan the official events or caucus meetings better. Only several senior administrative staffs have the clearance for that, and of course, I do too.”

“Can I see it?” I stand and walk over to him. He types in the password and lists of timetable shows up, they are coloured and flagged. “That’s impressive. Let’s try with a particular person. Let’s see, um, Sean.”

“Why him?” He prompts.

“I don’t know, it’s just a random choice. Probably because he’s my parliamentary secretary.”

“Let’s use mine, it works the same.” He puts his name in the search box instead of Sean’s. He wasn’t even hesitant while he reveals the password before me.

“I don’t think you’re doing that to protect his privacy, I feel like you just want me to know about yours.” He couldn’t possibly be jealous of Sean, after all, it’s he who assigned Sean as my parliamentary secretary.

“Maybe. But it’s good that you know. That way we can arrange more time for each other.” His hand moves from the mouse to mine, parting my fingers, interlocking with them.

And like he did in the corridor this morning, he throws me off guard completely. The inner me is fussed with butterflies. And I hate that it’s just me — my head is muddled with how I should adjust and balance my personal and professional relationships with him while at the same time, he doesn’t seem to be vexed at all, either consciously or not. “Justin, we’re both government officials representing people in the country. I don’t think it’s appropriate that we bring in our private matters too much into work.” My voice is blocked by the heart in my mouth.

“But they’re not mutually exclusive.” He doesn’t get it, or again, he pretends he doesn’t.

“It’s not. Just that I wish to stay professional.” I confess.

“I like that I make you unprofessional, I’ll take that as a compliment.” 

I shake my head and go back to my seat. I’m not annoyed, I like that he’s cheeky, it’s almost irresistible, but I need to be able to figure us out myself.

“Alright, if that’s what you want, let’s get back to business. I want to finish it quick so that we can have lunch before the question period. I’ve already booked the table, and I know you have nothing to do before the House.” In one simple sentence, he’s first toned down his excitement over our time on the Hill but then fails to hide how much he’s anticipated our lunch.

My face clouds. 

And he catches that. “Oh. You already have a date.”

“Yes…” On a side note, I’m glad that the system isn’t any ubiquitous top-end crazy technology that can even spy people’s conversation and mark my personal schedule.

“Then maybe next time.” He presses his lips into a smile that shows nothing but him being visibly disappointed.

What an emotional shift he’s gone in no more than two seconds.

“You know what.” I say as a product from being a willing addict of his smile; I can’t bear to watch him getting let down. “It’s okay, it’s just Cath, I can text her for a rain check.” _Sorry Cath._ I hope she won’t be upset though.

“Really?” His eyes alight with delight again.

“Yes, because I want to have lunch with you more. Now, tell me about the work thing you should be telling me, I’m hungry.”

“Oh, I’m glad that you’re, it’s an Italian restaurant, you will for sure like it —”

“Work.” I bent across the table and cup his face. Given my heart is overflown with joy by seeing such happiness flickering in him, he also needs to focus, he needs to be what he is as a prime minister. 

“Okay, only because you’re starving.” Has he drunk honey this morning? Gosh, his mouth is sweet. “I’m having an idea, I’m not sure if it works. But I want to appoint myself as the minister of youth. What do you think?” He finally starts.

Compared to all the things in my life, work is the easiest part. “I think it’s wonderful, I always believe that this role should be a part of the PM portfolio because the PM should be the driver for national youth policy. Yet that being said I imagine some of your advisors may think the opposite.” 

“That’s one of my concerns too, it’s a soft position when put against many others, forcing it to look fine to go without. But I don’t think policies in this area are insignificant.” Now he’s back, the Justin that I know who is enthusiastic about politics and bettering. There’s a certain glow in him that could be more blinding than the summer sun.

“Also, I don’t want to just have the title, I want to establish something that truly promotes politics among the young ones. We have this been missing for so many years in our previous government.”

“How about a youth council?” I suggest.

“A youth council.” He repeats my words and falls into his thought. Then when he’s back from his trance, there’s a blaze of astonishment. “Yes. How do you know?”

“Since you read my schedule, I decide to read your mind.” 

“Melanie, it’s exactly what I want to do, and you just come up with the same thing. How is that even possible?”

“I thought about that when I went back to my riding, I want to do something that connects me to my community. See, if your sim wasn’t broken, you could have saved a night of headache.”

His eyes flash with a wicked gleam that’s also crowded with humour. “Now you just admit that you’ve been mad at me because you thought I’ve completely forgot about you the whole Sunday.”

“I was busy back in my constituency. So, no, not at all. Plus, I’m not a daily texter anyway, I can go days without texting if you try me.” I put an extra dose of challenge in my tone. 

“That sounds intimidating.” He’s really trying to hold his laugh. ”Can I surrender?” He stands and takes my hand, then leads me to the door as we head for lunch.

§§§§§ 

Jared texts me the new Japanese restaurant where I’m going to have dinner with him. Ever since he has been assigned to oversee the Ottawa division of his law firm from summer, we’ve started to do more dinner than we would in Montreal — sometime we do it together with a couple of other friends, sometime Fred is also here, and sometime we just do it alone.

“Minister Joly, what a rare chance seeing you.” Jared’s voice is filled with amusement.

“Seriously Jared, it’s not funny.” I take off my shoes and sit on the tatami.

The amusement he had fades slightly. “It’s not funny but it’s true, I haven’t seen you ever since your inauguration.”

“In terms of how busy one is, I’m nowhere close to you’ve been. I heard it from the news, you just won the case of the century. Attaboy.” I tease and congratulate him at the same time.

“It’s nothing, I often find people in the news like to exaggerate the reality.”

“What, so you’re saying you knew you would win right from the start.”

“I’m a humble person. But… you should have seen Daniel’s face when he knew I won.” A huge smirk stretches across his face. "You know he thought there's no carrot in the case because apparently the artsy son of the chair of BMO hates to dress up." 

"Oh what a snob."

He laughs harder. "I'm often time amazed by how that four-letter word happens to encapsulate him this fully."

"So how's that face matches him?"

"If it's not that I don't want to waste our precious time I'd bring you back to my office to see how desperate he's now. He's doing overtime to hope for the partnership." He smiles, his kind eyes crinkling at the corners. 

Jared isn’t a bad person, normally, he doesn’t gloat at people’s unfortunate circumstances, that in fact, he’s done more pro bono than all the lawyers that I know. But somehow he hates Daniel to the bone. I myself have met Daniel during my days as a lawyer, more, we've worked against each other on the same court cases a few times. For sure, I couldn’t really find a positive word to describe him, but to say that he’s all negative would be a bit too much judging from my side; I guess Daniel just happens to be Jared’s mortal enemy for reasons he’s never mentioned to me.

“Anyhow, that’s enough about me, or else I’m going to talk about the shitty face he made the whole night. So, how’s life?” 

“Um… same old, but more exciting.” I admit.

“That’s great. So it isn't half as bad as you've thought?” He drinks his sake, and somehow throws me a fleeting questioning glance.

“No, on the contrary, it’s actually fun, every day is a new challenge that I’d like to take.”

“A new challenge huh. I wish I could say the same whenever I get a new file. Tell me about it.” 

His words hit, and for no reason my heart rate increases inexplicably. But after several less than proper images having flashed through my mind, belatedly it comes to its sense and I realise why. The reason for Jared and I holding seemingly different perspectives about work is the exact reason which makes everything looks exciting for me. Because while there’s been work, there’s been more about just work. 

_Justin met me in secret, he held my hands, and he even kissed me, all during nothing but work._

Not wanting Jared to pick out any telltale signs, I give out the most conventional answer possible. “Well, it’s like being a magician but better. Because finally I can bring about my thoughts into the reality and turn the impossible into the possible.” Generality is always a good ploy.

“Then what magic you’ve casted?”

“To invest in arts, that’s for one. We’ve doubled the budget for Canada Council for the Arts.” _How to be a good liar 101: always give example._

“Wow, that’s a lot of money.”

“It’s, the money for arts across the country is in billions.” _How to be a good liar advanced: provide data._

“Hum.” He nods, and takes another sip of his sake with his eyebrows raised. 

Did I pass? What’s with that look?

“You like arts too.” I remind him. 

“I do.” He says, then bottoms the glass with a gulp. “But…”

“What?” Yeah, what? I should be good, was I not?

“You will be mad at me if I tell you.” His eyes bore into mine, with a grin hidden behind.

My rational mind warns me about his use of reverse psychology that it’s his way to dig out more information from me but my curious heart says otherwise. “I reserve my rights to, but you will still have to tell me.”

And my rational mind is right, his grin is more plain to see now. “You know, not everyone has such a smooth start as you, a lot of minsters are dealing with headache from whatever reforms they’re asked to do. On the other hand, your department have billions granted from the government.” 

“But these are written in my mandate letter as priorities…” Facts, okay I’ll just throw him facts.

“Doesn’t change the sweet reality that you’re put in a spot that’s safe from critics, at least for now.” His remarks is almost sour, as if he’s speaking from a jealous colleague. “In a lot of ways, I like Trudeau’s politics.” He continues. “But there’s something about him that doesn’t look so innocent, if you know what I mean.”

Now even my stupid heart knows what he’s entailing. The undertone of his words is hardly an undertone anymore. He’s suggesting that Justin and I are closer than we’re publicly present because of the privilege he’s given me. I’m not sure if he gets that from our last conversation or that’s merely obvious to him. But either way, I’m not going to defend Justin on this regard. Because the more I do, the more I’d give away, Jared simply knows me too well. And most importantly, he isn’t wrong about Justin — he isn’t innocent, and neither am I.

“Hey, do you want to get some dessert?” Jared asks after dinner and just when we step out of the restaurant. 

“If only that’s on me.” I need some sugar after a long dinner and it will also be a good way to celebrate his victory on the case.

“I can’t think of any reason to decline it, if you insist.” The non-inquisitive Jared is cute and easy, I must add.

“Any place you have in mind?” I ask.

“How about Stella Luna? They’ve got banana split, it’s your favourite.”

“Let’s hit Stella Luna then.” _But banana split…_ “But I think I’m cool with a scoop.” I say quietly.

“Why? We almost always do that every time we go there.”

I feel wrong to set boundary with him just now, but it’s still better late than never. “I’m just trying to keep fit.” Partly, it’s true, but mostly, it’s because it doesn’t look right to share a banana split with him anymore.

He purses his lips in doubt. “First, you’re fit already. And second, remember who told me that she’d rather die than to be on a diet?” He teases.

“Cutting calories is not the same thing as being on a diet. Also, a woman can change her mind.” Did I change my mind? Yes, I did… _and on so many things._

“I’m sure you will after you get there and can’t settle down for just one single flavour, that's why we eat three scoops every time.” He smirks at the fond memories we shared and quickens his steps to the shop.

I stare at his back which I always feel safe to look at. My heart winces, because little does he know that the memories are only what they are now, _memories_ …


	7. Choices

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_Come, and take choice of all my library, And so beguile thy sorrow._

_\- William Shakespeare_

 

It’s another Friday on the Hill, Chloe enters my room and hands me a copy of the private member motion proposed by Irqa Khalid. I read it then I can’t help but frown.

“It isn’t that bad, right?” Catherine asks. She’s sitting opposite me, we’re having a breakfast meeting in my office.

“It’s complicated. The motion Khalid proposed about Islamophobia is good intended, but I’ve already received tons of emails opposing it.” I put down the fruit cup that I’m about to open, I have no appetite. “Also, Andrew Scheer is totally having a field day, I heard that he is planning to do fundraising based on not condemning Islamophobia.” 

“Ugh, disgusting and typical Scheer move. Anything I can help you with? Beside standing behind you at the Commons Foyer of course.”

“Thanks, Cath. But no, because I haven’t figured out a way to understand that myself.” 

“What is the major issue at the moment? Yesterday is the first time that I’ve heard about it. I only know it will be given to the heritage committee for study.”

“The definition of the term. To be honest, I do agree that there’re problems enclosed within Islamophobia and I understand the concern about the freedom of speech. But Khalid’s response in the House has made it impractical to step back and redefine the term. Or else, it will make us look like we can’t even be unanimous on the same issue.”

She nods and gives me a weak smile. “Internal division is more politically damaging than passing an unpopular motion. That’s one of the dirty parts about politics, no action is single.”

“You know when I get into politics I have the passion for being the vector of changes. But when I’m finally in the position, I realise there’re confinements that I can’t change.”

“Don’t get frustrated, there’s no perfect policy in this world. Have you talked to Justin about that?”

Talk to him? Cath must be kidding… She doesn’t know what talking to him would usually lead to. “I don’t want to talk to him about that…”

“Why?”

“It’s like my first task ever, and I can’t even handle the first task…” I give her half of the reason.

“I was much worse when I got the climate change profile, it’s not something the Banff forum can prepare you for. But the thing is, if he doesn’t see you as a competent minster, he wouldn’t let you oversee that many things.”

_That many things. My new appointment, it should be Catherine’s._ “You’re talking about the National Capital Commission…?”

“That’s one of the things.” She replies, not shy from admitting.

Okay, I need to ask her, she’s my friend, I need to know. “Are you… I don’t know, ever uncomfortable about that?”

She hesitates. “Well, I’ll be lying if I tell you I’ve never considered myself to chair the commission. But I can’t think I’m better than anyone just because I’m from Ottawa. Also, if Justin has picked you, then it’s your file. I trust his decision, and most importantly I trust you.”

I give her a weak but genuine smile.

“And come on, you know I don’t bring that up to make you feel like you owe me anything. My point is, just do what you think is right, you’re enough.” She adds.

I glance at her, feeling lucky that I have such a friend in the cabinet. “The motion is a headache, but you do make it better.”

“Oh please. Don’t thank me as if I’ve helped you a lot, you’re making me feel very old.” She laughs cordially.

I continue my study for the motion after conversing with Cath. I carry the files and documents to the reading room and sit at the corner, my eyelids are heavy despite the room being more chilly in the late November. _Have they not turned on the heater?_ I wonder to myself. I wrap my scarf an extra round around my neck, trying to focus on the text I’m studying for the motion. 

But why are the texts so close to each other? As if they’re nothing but bunch of black lines dancing on the paper…

“Hey.”

“Lord, you scare me.” I wake up from my micro sleep, Justin is standing in front of me. “What are you doing here?” I ask, as every time when he bumps into me on the Hill, I feel like it’s more intended than of natural happening.

“Like you, some reading. I don’t like doing it in my office.” He puts down his stuffs, and takes the seat next to me. “You’re reading for M103?” 

“Yes, I want to be better prepared for the next question period.”

“But you look tired, are you okay?” His eyes are still on me. _I thought he’s here for the reading?_

“I’m fine, if you would put away your chamomile tea…” Weirdly, I suddenly find its smell to be strong and unpleasant.

“You didn’t use to hate it.” He points.

“My stomach doesn’t agree with the smell of it today. So if you don’t at least put it three meters away, I promise I’ll throw up on you.” 

He’s wanted to at least take a sip, but decides to put it down and away eventually. “Better now? Melanie, you look like you’re stressing yourself.”

Is it really that all shown on my face? “Do you not trust me?” _Okay, Melanie, you’re enough, you can do it yourself. Don’t let him see that._

“I do.” He says firmly, despite confused. “But hey, it’s not a wrong thing to be overwhelmed and seek help. I can assign more people on the matter, say, Jody.”

“Absolutely no. I’ve already been accused of being favoured for so long, I don’t want to be seen as such even within the cabinet.” _Also, if Jared can sense the closeness I have with Justin, Jody will no doubt feel the same…_  

“And you know what especially not help from Jody,” I continue in a small voice, “because if we were ever found out… she would actually be the last person who I’d wish to know about us in our working circle.”

He crooks his head to one side, his eyes alight with curiosity. “Hum, I thought it would be Catherine, since she’s your best friend in the cabinet.”

_If she knew, she would then puzzle out why I start to have fewer lunch with her._ “Well, Cath’s very close to me, so if she did, I think she would be highly disappointed, but she would eventually understand. Whereas Jody is different, we’re not close at all, but still, I’d rather it’s Pierre Nantel who follows me everywhere I go and hates me on Twitter that knows.”

“Really? What’s the thing about Jody? I’m curious, is that because she’s the minister of Justice?”

“No. But she has a set of values that I truly respect and that I can’t argue against.”

“So that’s down to the matter of principles.” It isn’t a question, rather, a statement he produces from his thought while he rubs with chin quietly.

“About us, it’s always down to that, isn’t it?”

“Okay.” He sighs, and back to the present. “No extra help it is. Let’s talk about something else, let’s talk about tonight.”

_Tonight. Tonight is Friday night, last Friday we went to the cabin…_ My mind wanders off to somewhere she shouldn’t be but my sanity steps in. “The NAC gala?”

“You don’t have a date as far as I know, and I happen to be going alone. So…” He smirks and leans close to me.

“What?” I recoil slightly, I’m still not used to him being like this when we’re on the Hill.

“You know exactly what I want to do.” He bents, and to my surprise, kisses me.

I chuckle out of astonishment. “Oh, you want to kiss me at the gala?” I pretend to be clueless.

“I do, if I can. I wish I can do it anywhere I want.” He smiles and kisses me again, with redoubled passion, forcing me to sink further into my chair.

“Justin, that’s not the way you ask a girl to be your date.” I try to breath. Oh it’s hard after his kiss.

His lips part into a grin. “That’s not? I was so hoping my kisses could seduce you.” 

“Oh no, you smell like chamomile.”

“Then you should let me smell more like you, ‘cause anything that smells like you has me fall under its spell.”

“You’re unbelievable.” I shake my head, there’s just no way to deal with the Justin that’s so playful and overbearingly tempting. “But how can we be each other’s date?”

“No one needs to know we’re on a date. You do your stuffs and I do mine, just that we will be doing it next to each other. Melanie, I want to see you in your nightgown, and I want to be right next to you.” His eyes are filled with the most honest need, it’s nowhere seductive, but I’m already seduced. 

And maybe this is why people are so raving about the forbidden. The idea he proposed is new and thrilling. I like that how we will need to be on the premise of keeping unnoticed while purposely be with each other. The excitement within is rawly intoxicating.

 

§§§§§ 

 

The sky turns dark faster in this wintery November, I leave work earlier and have my driver drive me back home so that I can prepare for the night. Lucky him, I watch as he drives away from my block, thinking now he can already call it a day while I still have a speech to give and a gala to attend — I look forwards to be on a date with Justin, but for some reason, I’m feeling extremely exhausted, almost like if my legs touch any soft surface I’ll fall right into sleep.

I take out several dresses from my wardrobe and lay them on my bed as my tactics to avoid myself accidentally falling asleep onto it. _No, don’t lie down, you’re going to make creases on your dresses and Justin is going to be disappointed about not being able to see you._ And after trying hard to convince my body that there’s no way I could nor should sleep, I now move on to the most mentally demanding and daunting task a woman can have — choosing the perfect outfit. I stares at the colours on my bed. On one hand, I’m glad that I have so many dresses to choose from, that simply laying them out gives me joy, they’re so beautiful to look at. But on the other hand, there’s just no way a woman can make her decision in one-go. 

My mind goes mad. _A classic sexy black dress?_ No, it looks too petite for the occasion, I’m no longer just a lawyer. I glance at my mirror reflection, I’m looking too wan, I need some bright colour. I pick up a pleated ruffles sleeve dress in fuchsia, thinking it might help. But it’s only two seconds later, I’ve already put it down. It looks too flattery, I’m not attending an award show, there’s no red carpet. Annoyed, I pace back and forth around the house, it’s hardly my first gala, and I’m only speaking of this month. _Why are you making it so hard to get ready tonight?_ I snap at my perfectionist self. _Two hours, Mel, you’ve got it. Now breathe._

The peace doesn’t last long however. And what disturbs it is a knock on the door, making my heart leap into my throat. Justin? Didn’t we agree that we will go separately? God, I’m mess right now. I rush to open the door still, because he just can’t been seen on my street. 

_Oh no._

“Fred?” I try to suppress my shock.

“Surprise!” He exclaims and hugs me. 

It works, I am beyond surprised. “I thought you wouldn’t come back from Montreal like tomorrow?”

“Well, you asked me if I can accompany you to the gala, and you know I always want to go to whatever event that’s with you. So I tried to finish work as fast as I can, and here I’m.” He speaks as he walks into my house naturally.

I stare blankly at him, recovering from the shock of his presence and how much he’s willing to do for me. 

For one, I’m happy he’s back. I miss him sincerely, though I don’t know if that’s because after I started my affair with Justin, my conscious mind has never stopped the swamping and torturing self-blaming, so much that my subconsciousness decides one of the best ways to make myself feel better is to seek Fred more. But putting the war between my two minds aside, the reality I’m facing now is I’m having two dates and I can only have one.

“You don’t look happy?” He asks while I’m still taking time to process my emotions and trying to come up with a solution for the situation.

“No, of course I’m happy. Just that I don’t want you to go straight up to another event after you’re just back, I want you to take some rest.” And that’s not a lie at all, even without Justin, I’d want the same for Fred. And eventually if I’m to make a choice, Fred will always be my priority.

“Melanie,” he cups my face and looks into my eyes, “I’m more tired of being alone and not being able to see you.” His voice is soft, his gaze is soft, _everything about him is soft_.

“But we only got two hours left, you won’t have much time to prepare if you really go.”

“Who are you kidding?” He laughs. “I’m guy, I don’t need to prepare.”

And he is always right, indeed, not only he doesn’t, he also helps me with the dress. He picks me a red long gown, simple, not revealing, apt for the occasion.

“You look exquisite, my queen.” He whispers to my ear while hugging me from behind.

I look at the reflection of us on the mirror, he’s slipped into one of the suits he always has in my house, standing exceptionally sharp and fine. For a second, I wonder what I’ve done to deserve such a beautiful looking man who’s also with a kind and giant heart.

“Frederic, why do you love me?”

“Because I cannot not love you. I can’t help but love you.” He answers simply and earnestly then hugs me even tighter, making me melt completely into him.

“But a person can change. What if someday you just decide you will no longer love me?” My insecurity creeps in. And if there’s anything she’s good at, that’s ruining the moment.

“Bae, why are you asking these weird questions?” He turns me so that now we’re face to face.

“Because you’ve been too good to me. Usually these kind of things happen before one person in a relationship wants quit…” I look away. _Or… when a person has cheated… and that's me._

“You think I’ll ever break up with you?” Concerned, he frowns, and he never frowns.

“You could.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

He takes a deep breath, his frown is gone, replaced by a smile which looks like a product from a fond memory. “You probably don’t remember the first time we met.” 

_The afterparty of C2 Montreal. How would I forget?_

But before I add my piece of memory into the conversation, he continues. “Actually you wouldn’t remember because you don’t even know that’s our first. It was in a house party. You were coming with some girl friends who I couldn’t remember. I’d wanted to talk to you, you were stunning, your laughs were kind and infectious, but you looked, so out of my league. So I spent the whole night rounding up the courage to approach you, but by the time I had enough, you’d already left…”

I glance up at him, wide-eyed and immensely guilty. There have been so many house parties and I just couldn’t remember which one that is. 

“But that’s not even the point. Because three years ago I met you, it was more than falling in love at first sight. You’re the first woman ever in my life that made me think oh she’s the one. Melanie, I’m not good at answering these questions since I’m bad at words. But I love you because I’m designated to love you, nothing more and nothing less.”

I resist to be moved by his words so that my eyes won’t turn teary, but still they unleash the mix of emotions that have got hidden with me for so long. “You’re so going to ruin my makeup and I’m not going to forgive you for that…” 

He smiles at me warmly. “But hey, let’s say if one day I walked up to you and told you I love you no more, then you should just shoot me.” Then he touches the corner of my eyes carefully with his handkerchief.

I shake my head vigorously, I don’t want him to stop loving me even on a hypothetical level and I don’t want to harm him if that happened. 

“You have to though.” He says in a serious tone with his eyes tangled with amusement. “‘Cause I’ve definitely been traded by an imposter.” 

 

§§§§§ 

 

Fred and I arrive the National Arts Centre before the gala starts because Ottawa’s traffic could sometime be a nightmare and I have a speech to give. I check out the guestbook, Justin is still not seen. I know he’s still definitely coming, but his overt disappointment I sense from the messages between us has made me feel somewhat sorry.

Past the reception, we walk downstairs to the lower-floor theatre which is already packed with people chatting and mangling. Fred is holding my hand, his fingers interlocked with mine. I feel like we’re the characters in a fairytale, who are going to be cheered upon while walking down the aisle.

“Hey, Mel.” I see a wave from the entrance, it’s Cath. “Fred, nice to see you again! Mel always talks about you.” She greets and hugs us.

“Oh does she?” Fred arches his eyebrows and flashes a smile. “I hope she didn’t tell you anything too bad about me.”

“Even if she did, I’m not going to tell you. But I heard it this morning that you should be busy?”

“I finished my stuffs early, and so I decided to come back and go with her. Is Scott here too?”

“Well, Fred, you know, men usually don’t care after they get married.” She rolls her eyes and takes a sip from her glass. We all laugh. 

“I’m sure he’s just busy. But no, I’ll always be Melanie’s date.” He kisses me on my forehead as if it’s a declaration.

Cath smiles and shakes her head. “You two are too sweet.”

Slightly shy, I’m eager to change the topic. “So have you seen other ministers or MPs?”

“Yes, most of them are inside, I’m just here for some fresh air and drinks. Having said that, Justin doesn’t seem to have arrived though.”

I fume at fate’s play. Justin is not the direction of our conversation I want to go. “It’s still early. It should be fine.” _It’s fine, now end this topic._  

“Right, plus he’s always on time.” She says, I smile in agreement; she takes another sip. “Actually not always.”

And that’s the problem of being close to people, they install no filter when around you. While apparently with different reasons, both Fred and I look at her, dazed.

“It’s alcohol.” Now she senses the unexpectedness of her words. “But not like you can’t know.” 

Interested, a smirk appears on Fred’s face. And Cath continues. “You know what, when I first met Justin many years ago, he was nothing like he’s today.” She lower her voices. “He was always late.”

Late? How come she brings up a side of him that I’ve never seen? Also, I don’t recall Justin talking anything about her during our time back then. 

“But he usually went to classes like fifteen minutes before the time.” I can’t help but defend him.

“Classes? You knew him during university?” She gazes at me, quizzical.

_Dammit Melanie._ “No, of course not. I get that from an old interview of him I came across.” I lie quickly.

“I guess the Justin you mentioned is him before that period.”

“Probably…” I trail off. 

The two sides of my brain are at conflict again. I know I should just let it sink, and if I keep my mouth shut, it will. But now the important thing is, I know Cath, she seldom gossips. So if Justin being late in the past is something that she would accidentally slip, it must be something more than just that. And why have I never witnessed a single bit of it? They don’t add up.

“But I have no idea you two are actually friends for this long.” I probe cautiously. I have to, despite whatever risk there is.

“I suppose, I met him when I moved to Ottawa.”

“That’s at least a decade.”

“Twelve years, to be exact. I moved here in 2003.”

_2003._ That’s why I was so unaware of it, and that’s also why I have never heard of Cath, I wasn’t there entirely. I feel a stab at my heart. That was the year when I was off to Oxford. _Was his change because of me?_ I need to get her talk, this is my only chance.

“So what was he like then?” I ask directly.

She pauses to retract the memory. “It’s rather odd for me to think of the then him now. But he’s somewhat antisocial and depressed, I think that’s why he was always late for things, he didn’t even want to show up.” She answers tersely.

“Why?” 

“I don’t know, indeed, no one did neither. He was just out of his character, as if he’s broken from the inside.”

My throat closes up upon her words. I feel all the air in me pushed out and I’m about to faint. _Broken from the inside_ , it’s what I feel now too.

“That doesn’t sound very prime-ministerial.” Fred adds his gentle remark while I remain speechless and dying.

“A total mess, I’d say. But it’s also why I feel tremendously happy for him now, what a transformation he’s made!” Cath ends the topic with a positive note. And I’m glad that she does, because I’m not sure if I can ever survive another image of Justin being in an alone, miserable world.

Sharply, I feel a massive ache in my chest, and my heart has sunk to the deepest pit of despair, getting hit by waves and waves of darkness. All my life, the Justin I know is full of joy, hope, and an unlimited amount of lights, but now Cath has just presented me with another version of him that I have never known and could never even imagine. And it was me, I was the person that pulled out all of the happiness within him, that even though he’s a changed man, there was such void in him that I can’t restore.

We settle at our respective seats after the chat. My legs feel weak and my headache is severer than ever —  I can’t stop picturing how much pain Justin has suffered because of me. I’m shattered, and hallowed forcefully by the truth, but I know nothing I’m feeling now will amount to that he’s been through…

“Melanie, are you okay? You’re shaking.” Fred points. 

I try to cover up. “I’m just feeling slightly cold I guess.” I don’t want him to pick up any sign of the wars that are raging within my mind and body.

He rubs my hands, then feel my forehead. “No, your hands are cold, but you’re also having a fever.” 

_Am I?_ “Well then maybe that’s why I’m feeling tired the whole day.” I didn’t register my sickness until now he mentions; I have been too focused on work that I sort of ignore my bodily signals. But I guess the emotions I’m having got it more manifested.

“Do you think we can just leave because you’re sick? You look pale, you should take some rest.”

“No, I don’t think so… I’ll need to give a speech. It’s too late now, they won’t be able to find another speaker and I can’t just quit like that.” _There’re things that I can run away, but there’re also things that I can’t._

He sighs, then gently gestures me to lay my head on his shoulder after wrapping his coat around me. “How about you taking a short nap then? We still got fifteen minutes before the opening and I know you’re not the first speaker.”

I don’t protest, I take his advice and close my eyes, welcoming the comfort from laying my head on him. He’s soft, warm, and most importantly, he protects me from sadness so that I know I'll always be safe with him. _And maybe if I fall into sleep, I can then forget, as if nothing has ever happened._

“Baby, how am I supposed to set my mind at rest when I leave town sometime and leave you alone?” He says quietly, placing kisses on my hair to put me to sleep.

“Then you don’t…” I murmur. It’s selfish, I am selfish. But I don’t know what my heart would do when it’s left by itself even for just a second. I can’t let my heart change, or else I’d simply hurt Fred, and there’s no way I can inflict the same pain on him that I’ve done on Justin.

 

§§§§§ 

 

There’re people talking, lots of people taking. But this is weird, because neither can I hear what they’re saying, nor can I see their face. It’s dark, and I’m feeling I’m under water. I attempt to pick up another sensation, there’s Fred’s cologne. He should be near me, but as frightening as it is, he isn’t visible neither…

Fred? I yell. He responds me with a low humming sound he likes to make when I’m sleeping. And it is until then I realise I’m still napping on his shoulder. Right, I’m not locked in a dark room, I’m just being semi-conscious. Gradually eased, I decide to fall back into sleep, Fred has promised waking me up so if he hasn’t, that means I still got time. But a particular voice stands out, pulling me up to the surface.

“Such a pleasure to see you here, Frederic.” It’s a male voice.

“It’s nice meeting you too.” Fred replies.

And as the voice speaks, it has become louder and clearer to my ears. “What’s happened? Is she okay?” It’s Justin, and he’s taking to Fred.

_Oh my god._

“She’s feeling sick. She was okay before, but now she’s having a fever.”

“Why don’t you take her home?” Justin asks.

“I tried to convince her that, but she wasn’t willing to.”

“If I’d known this earlier, I would have ordered her home.” Justin says quietly, with a tone that I can visualise his frown from.

Stopping their conversation, Justin taking the seat next to me. And still feeling dizzy, I keep my eyes shut. Fred has lightly pulled me closer to him and away from Justin, he’s fondling my hair the way he always likes to when we cuddle. I attempt to make myself feel better by drawing in that soothing and familiar feeling Fred is generating, but it’s hard, all the shield he has provided for me is now gone the moment Justin sits next to me, forcing me in a position where I’m between the two men that I’m having relationships with.

I’m in love with Fred that’s for sure, but Justin’s presence has just reminded me of how much I’ve hurt him that I don’t know how to repay him. And if I do, then the one I’ll be owing would be Fred…

I continue to pretend sleeping. _No, my time hasn’t been up._


End file.
